Becoming Female
by Venus god
Summary: *Who will Harry end up with after turning into a girl!* femHarry/Draco Ron AND Pansy bashing Make sure to write lots of reviews for me!
1. The change

I dont own hp cuz I'm not rich. No flames, but tell me if you think Draco is a bit OOC cuz my sister thought he was acting a bit weird.

~~~~~

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, POTTER!!!" yelled Snape.

"I'M MAKING A POTION, YOU GREASY BASTARD!!" I yelled back.

"How DARE you call me that, you inferior student!" complained Snape. "That's TWO POINTS from Gryffindor!"

"No, sir, please!" I begged.

"Keep going and it'll be ALL THREE POINTS!" threatened Snape. Gryffindor had been down to three points and now we only had one left.

Draco Malfoy smirked at me. He was the hottest guy in school and all the girls wanted him, but I was a boy and not gay so we couldn't be together.

"Have you all finished your Acorn Potions?" asked Snape angrily. "If they're done right, pouring them over random objects should turn them into acorns. If they're done wrong, they'll cause you to pass out and thenpermanently change gender forever."

"I think you should test Potter's," said Draco, his gray eyes glinting.

"An excellent idea, Draco!" said Snape buoyantly. "Potter, drink your potion."

"But I thought we were supposed to -"

"Drink it now or I'll take one point from Gryffindor!" emitted Snape loudly.

I drowned a cup of the potion and promptly fell unconscious!

****

I woke up in the infirmary with all my friends gathered around me.

"Harry, you're all right!" Ginny explained.

"Yeah, but I feel different," I said.

"You've, well, changed," said Hermione in a small voice.

"What do you mean?" I asked. Ginny passed me a hand mirror and I looked into it.

A perfectly tanned picture of feminine beauty stared back at me! I was thin enough to be anorexic with D-cups and curves in all the right places! My black hair was long and silky like silk and it went down to my feet! I was wearing lip gloss, blush and mascara from Maybelline! Also, my scar was gone and I didn't need glasses anymore.

"Oh, my God, I'm a GIRL!!" I screamed.

"And WHAT is wrong with being a girl?" asked Hermione, putting her hands on her hips.

"Uh, nothing," I said quickly. "It's just that I'm used to be being a boy."

At that moment, Dumbledore rode into the hospital wing on a unicycle wearing an old-fashioned bathing suit.

"Good afternoon, Harry," he said as he alighted. "As I'm sure you've noticed, you're female now."

"No biggie," I said. "You can change me back, of course."

"Uh, about that..." said Dumbledore awkwardly.

"You CAN'T!" I shouted. "But you're the greatest wizard in the world!"

"Well, I'm sorry my powers aren't infinite!" Dumbledore shot back. "You're the one who's so upset about being a girl. Are you going to be sexist like Ron?"

"No," I decided. "But how can I be a girl? I don't even know how to braid hair or fry spaghetti!"

"Hermione will teach you everything you need to know!" said Dumbledore cheerfully.

"Okay, first of all you need to read lots of books and be really smart!" said Hermione.

"How to be a NORMAL girl," corrected Dumbledore, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, well, in that case, we'd better take you shopping in Hogsmeade!" Hermione said eagerly. "Unlike me, you'll need lots of girly clothes!"

"Okay, but how will we explain this to the rest of school?" I asked, wondering what Draco would think.

"I'll tell everyone that Harry Potter left the school and that you're a new student," said Dumbledore.

"No one had better suspect that I'm Harry," I said.

"Don't worry," insisted Dumbledore, "I'm the bestest wizard in the world! I'll come up with a watertight story no one will see through!"

****

"I am sorry to inform you all that Harry Potter has left the school," Dumbledore told everyone in the Great Hall the next morning. "You see... his parents died... which you all know, of course but, uh... Harry's invitation to their funeral got lost in the mail so he's just left now and he won't ever come back for... some reason. Anyway, on a completely, utterly unrelated note, I would like to introduce Harriet Potter to our school! Harriet Potter is a new student and not, repeat NOT, Harry Potter permanently turned into a girl by a potions accident yesterday which had multiple witnesses. She's just transferred here from... a school... somewhere and... did I mention that's she's not Harry Potter? I did? Oh, good, 'cause she's not. You got that, right? Right, completely, totally different person from Harry Potter who's away because of... whatever the story I told you about him was. Got that? Good. Here's Harriet Potter now!"

I walked confidently into the Great Hall. I was wearing a cream-colored blouse with bright purple polka dots, a fleece jacket with pink and red horizontal stripes and an olive green mini. I was wearing lavender flip-flops with lime green tube socks over my mustard yellow tights. I also had on a bra and panties, but they were under the rest of my clothes so you couldn't see them. I had dyed my hair blue and put it in buns like Princess Leia from "Star Wars". All the boys stared lustfully at me while most of the girls looked incredibly jealous.

"Hello," I said to everyone, "I'm not Harry Potter."

~~~~~

Did you think it was funny? Plz tell me! 


	2. Guess who!

Glad everyone thought the story was so funny! Here's chapter 2.

"Now come up here and be sorted!" said Professor McGonagall to me. I came up and put on the Sorting Hat.

"Hey, you're Harry Potter!" said the Sorting Hat in my ear. "I already sorted you!"

"Yeah, I'm pretending I'm a new student," I whispered so no one else could hear. "Play along."

"That's sneaky," said the Hat, "and being sneaky is evil so better be... SLYTHERIN!"

"NO!" I screamed as the Slytherin table cheered. Oh well, at least I was in the same house as Draco now. I walked over to the Slytherin table.

"Hey, you're a girl!" said Ron as I sat down. "Will you iron my shirts?"

"Shut up, Ron!" yelled Ginny. "You're sexist!" We hadn't told Ron that I was Harry Potter because if he knew the Chosen One was a girl, he'd give up on the Good Side and join the Death Eaters.

"Hey, want to be my BFF?" asked Pansy, who was the most popular girl in Hogwarts. She was a huge slut and she was wearing off-brand slutty clothes.

"No, you're a slut!" I yelled.

"Fine, but you'll never be popular now!" she declared.

We then set off for our first class, which was Herbology.

"Hey, how come I got such large breasts despite being really skinny?" I asked Hermione. "That doesn't seem natural."

"I guess it's because the potion turned you into the ideal female form," said Hermione.

"Okay, I guess that makes sense," I said as we walked into the greenhouse.

"I'm ba-a-a-ack!" said Gilderoy Lockhart. Ron groaned.

"Oh, great - now all the stupid girls will act lovesick," he said because he was sexist.

I used to think Gilderoy was annoying, but now that I was a girl I could see how hot he was and that his arrogance was just confidence! And you could totally see his chiseled abs through his hot pink flowing robes! He looked exactly like Robert Pattinson!

"I've replaced Professor Sprout," Gilderoy explained. "She died in a bungee jumping accident. Today we'll learn about Beauty Flowers. Eating Beauty Flowers will make you irresistible to the opposite sex - not that I've eaten any, of course. We'll be planting them in pairs. Potter, you will go with Malfoy!"

Draco and I started planting Beauty Flowers together.

"Wow, you look totally hot!" said Draco. "In fact, you look exactly like Meg Ryan!"

"Thanks," I said, blushing.

"Want to go on a date in Hogsmeade?" asked Draco happily.

"Okay!" I replied. 


	3. The date is Hogsmeade

Sorry I took so long to update. Here's more of the story! The views of Ron are not shared by me.

I walked into the 3 Broomsticks in Hogsmeade to date Draco. I was wearing an orange and green sports bra so you could see my belly ring, a hot pink poodle skirt with a blue-green poodle on it and bright orange hiking boots. My gray hair had magenta highlights and was braided into three braids. I was wearing blush with white foundation over it. I was also wearing frilly panties, but you couldn't see them. When they saw me, the boys practically began drooling. I quite liked being a girl by now!

"Wow, you look hot!" said Draco, who was wearing nothing but an electric purple speedo to show off his amazing body.

"Yeah, so do you," I said, trying not to get too entranced by Draco's incredible tanned chest.

"Hey, you two lovebirds want a booth?" asked Madam Rosmerta cheerfully.

"Yeah, okay," me and Draco said in unison. We sat down at a booth with an incredible view of Hogwarts out the window.

"So, how long you going to be at Hogwarts, Harriet?" asked Draco.

"Call me Crystal," I decided. "Harriet is an ugly name."

"Okay, my name's Draco," said Draco.

"Yeah, I know," I replied.

"Uh oh, here comes trouble," said Madam Rosmerta as Ron walked into the pub wearing a cowboy hat with Pansy on his arm. "Those two troublemakers are going to cost me my business," she sighed under her breath.

"Get us a table for two, you slag," Ron said offensively to Madam Rosmerta. Pansy didn't mind dating someone as sexist as Ron because she was a slut.

"No, you're not welcome here anymore," Madam Rosmerta told him. "Get out, or there'll be trouble!"

"You want trouble? You got it!" said Ron, pulling his wand out of a holster on his belt. He started shooting everyone with his wand, starting a bar fight.

"Now, that's quite enough!" said Draco, trying to wrestle Ron's wand out his hand. "You're ruining the bar!"

"Hey, that's quite a pretty girl you got there!" said Ron, looking lasciviously at me. "You think she might want to jump in bed with me and Pansy?"

"No, I don't want that!" I yelled in a terrified voice.

"No means yes," laughed Ron, throwing Draco aside.

"Noooooo!!" I screamed as Ron came forward to rape me.

"Stop right there, sucker!" yelled Gilderoy, standing in the entrance of the wrecked bar looking perfectly immaculate in his fancy clothes. He was pointing his wand at Ron. The fighting had stopped.

"You can't prove I would've have raped her!" Ron said superiorly.

"Maybe," said Gilderoy, "but you did wreck the bar. I give you detention cleaning it up."

"Madam Rosmerta can clean it up herself," laughed Ron. "She's a woman and that's what women do!"

"That's ten points from Gryffindor for being sexist!" shouted Gilderoy.

"No, Snape took our last point today," laughed Ron. "We have no points left for you to take! Come on, let's get out of here, Pansy." He and Pansy left the pub together.

"I'll see to it that he won't come around here again," Gilderoy told Madam Rosmerta. "He won't cause you trouble anymore."

"Thank you, sir," said Madam Rosmerta, relieved.

"That was so scary!" I said, collapsing into Draco's arms.

"Don't worry, I'll protect you always," said Draco. We kissed happily. 


	4. We have to stop Ron!

I have a new rule. Everyone who reads this story must leave 12 REVIEWS FOR EACH CHAPTER!!!!

I woke up excitedly the next day. I put on my red lingerie, bright yellow T-shirt, pink tights, purple cardigan sweater, orange short shorts and orange high heels. I dyed my hair lilac and styled it into a beehive with magic. I also put on green eye shadow to bring out the color of my eyes.

I went down to the Great Hall. I didn't have any classes because it was Sunday.

"Hey, Draco," I said to Draco.

"Wow, you look extra hot today!" he told me.

"Thanks," I said, blushing. He moved towards me.

"You're the only for me, Crystal," he said in a romantic voice. "I'll never love another girl more than you!" I stared romantically into his beautiful eyes. My heart sped up as we came together to kiss again.

"Hey, look at ME!" shouted Pansy in a slutty voice, ruining the moment. She was trying to get Draco's attention by wearing slutty clothes.

"Let's go somewhere without sluts," I suggested.

"Okay, let's go to the Transfiguration Courtyard," said Draco. We went there. We sat down on a bench and were about to kiss when Ginny ran in in her Quidditch outfit.

"Hey, Ginny," said Draco. I had told him Gryffindors were nice.

"Hey," said Ginny. "We have a problem. With you -- I mean, Harry gone, Ron is captain of the Quidditch team. He's kicked me off 'cause he only allows girls to join if they're hot and not related to him. Katie got thrown off too when she stood up to him for me. He's replaced us with those sluts Parvati and Lavender. And he's made Neville our new Seeker!"

"You'll lose every game with them!" I shouted. "How could he DO that? We've got to stop him!"

"Hey, you're in Slytherin, remember?" Draco told me. "It's good for us if Gryffindor has a bad team."

"Yeah, but Ginny's our friend and we have to help her," I pointed out.

"Okay, fine," said Draco. We went to Professor McGonagall. She was riding on a magical exercise bike to cure her menopause.

"Hello," she said.

"We have to see Professor Dumbledore immediately!" we all said at once.

"I'm afraid Professor Dumbledore is not here," McGonagall told us. "As it so happens, he's at the gay pride parade in Hogsmeade."

"But Ron's taken over the Quidditch team, and he's being sexist!" shouted Ginny.

"Well, I'm afraid he's the captain and can do whatever he wants," said McGonagall sadly. "The former captain, Harry Potter, decided Ron would take over if something happened to him." I sighed guiltily. I'd done that before I became a girl and realized how sexist Ron was.

"Can't we do ANYTHING?!" I begged.

"I'm afraid not," McGonagall said as a lone tear rolled down her cheek. She knew Gryffindor stood no chance of winning the Quidditch Cup now. We all walked away sadly. 


	5. Oh no!

Later that day, I went to Gilderoy for help.

"Well, I suppose you could get Ron thrown off the team," he said. "That way, he wouldn't be captain anymore."

"How could I do that?" I asked desperately.

"Well, flirting is strictly forbidden in the Quidditch Tent for some reason," Gilderoy told me. "If you flirt with Ron in there, he won't be able to resist flirting back, and then we got him!"

"But Ron's sexist!" I shouted. "He might try to rape me!"

"I'll come along to protect you," Gilderoy said fatherly. We went to the tent and saw Ron talking to the team.

"This is the new uniform for female Gryffindor players," said Ron as he pointed at Parvati and Lavender, who were wearing nothing but scarlet c-strings with tiny gold pasties. "At first I thought of making them go topless, but that wouldn't leave anything to the imagination."

"I like 'em," said Parvati, swaying her hips sluttily. "They make me feel SO sexy!"

"Yeah, let's go find some boys to gawk at our practically nude bodies!" said Lavender happily as they left with the rest of the team.

"We also have practice tomorrow!" yelled Ron after them. I walked in the room seductively, sexily spinning my sweater in my hand.

"Well, hello," he said in a sexist voice. "Are you going to let me touch your crystal, Crystal Potter?"

"Maybe," I said, throwing the sweater aside and standing before him with a sexy pose. I hoped Gilderoy would run and stop Ron soon, because flirting with that disgusting redheaded creature made me feel sick to my stomach. Trying to resist the urge to throw up, I smiled flirtily at him.

"Take off your clothes!" Ron demanded. "Girls shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes if they look hot. They should also make 75 cents for every every dollar men make and not have the right to choose!"

"Tell me more," I said, trying not to let Ron's ugly, sexist face make me gag. I decided to tease Ron some more, pretending to begin removing my shirt.

"YOU BITCH!!!" yelled a very sexy voice. Draco ran in pointing his finger at me.

"It's not what it looks like!" I said, worried Draco might not like me now.

"Yeah, right!" he yelled at me. "You're just as big a slut as Pansy! I don't love you anymore!" He ran away crying. I stood there sadly as Gilderoy, Ginny and Hermione walked in.

"You were flirting in the Quidditch tent," said Ginny, pointing at Ron. "That means you're not captain anymore!" Ron glared at us angrily.

"You may have won this round, Crystal Potter," he declared loudly, "but I'll get my revenge! You just wait and see, you stupid girls!" And then he ran away laughing like a maniac.

"Well, you got rid of Ron for us," said Ginny happily.

"Yeah, but now Draco hates me," I said sadly.

"Don't worry," said Hermione comfortingly, "We'll hope you get him back."

"I hope so," I said.

Did you like it? I'm thinking of having Sirius Black come back from the dead to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. Anyone like this idea? 


	6. Sirius

Later that day, Dumbledore and Hagrid burst in the front doors of the castle wearing gay rainbow outfits.

"It's fun to stay at the Y - M - C - A!" they sang as they danced into the Great Hall holding hands. "They have everything for you men to enjoy. You can hang out with all the boys! Y! M! C! A! Y! M! C! A!"

"I take it you just came here from the gay pride parade in Hogsmeade," said Hermione.

"Very good, Miss Granger!" Dumbledore replied cheerfully. "Ten points to Gryffindor!"

"We have ten whole points now!" squealed Ginny. "Let's hope we don't lose them all again because of Ron this time!"

"So, does this mean you're gay?" I asked Hagrid.

"Surprised?" he asked back.

"Not really," I admitted, "It's been obvious for a long time."

"Really?" said Hagrid. "I guess I shoulda told you guys sooner then."

"Yeah, it was getting quite awkward," I told him.

"Hey Crystal, I have a surprise for you!" Dumbledore declared.

"What?" I asked eagerly.

"It turns out Sirius isn't dead after all!" explained Dumbledore. "Come in, Sirius!"

"Hey, everyone!" said Sirius as he walked in the door wearing jeans with a "New Moon" T-shirt.

"Hey, Sirius!" I yelled happily. "You're back!"

"Who are you?" he asked me.

"Oh, that's Crystal Potter," said Hagrid. "She used to be Harry Potter before becoming a girl."

"Hey Crystal!" said Sirius and we hugged like a father and daughter. "So I guess I'll have to protect you from boys now, huh?" he said. I laughed.

"Remember, it's a secret that Crystal Potter is really Harry Potter," Dumbledore informed him importantly, "so don't tell Ron."

"I won't," laughed Sirius. "I wouldn't have even brought that sexist idiot into the Shrieking Shack with Harry and Hermione if he hadn't had Wormtail. Heh, Wormtail and Ron. Don't those two deserve each other?" Everyone laughed.

"Hey, Sirius!" I suddenly said. "You really got around in your day, right?"

"I'll say," he said. "I was the man whore of Hogwarts! Girls literally lined up outside my dormitory!"

"They actually did," said Dumbledore smiling. "Most of them failed their classes from never going to them."

"Well, my boyfriend broke up with me," I said, "and I was thinking you could teach me how win him back."

"That's a great idea!" said Sirius. "Dumbledore's made me the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, so I'll have plenty of time to give you romance lessons!"

"Okay!" I said happily, and we all walked away.

I'm not sure what Sirius' first lesson for Crystal should be. Any ideas? 


	7. Best class ever!

The boys couldn't take their eyes off me as I walked into class the next day. I was wearing a gray polo shirt with a brown leather skirt, bright orange toe socks and purple saddle shoes. My green hair was styled in the shape of a lion, making it look like topiary. I also had underwear on.

"Hi, I'm your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!" said Sirius while standing in front of us all at the front of the classroom. "Today we'll learn how to flirt. Flirting is an important defense against the Dark Forces because if you make an enemy fall in love with you, they won't want to kill you anymore. I'll pair you all off with someone of the opposite sex to practice flirting on. Unless anyone here is gay - is anyone gay?"

Crabbe and Goyle put their hands up, so Sirius paired them together. Then he went around the room, pairing everyone else up. He paired me with Draco.

"No, I don't want to be with that slut!" yelled Draco. "She'll open her legs to anyone who has a thingy to put between them!"

"Too bad," said Sirius, winking at me.

"Hey, you didn't pair me!" said Ron angrily.

"You aren't allowed to flirt because you're sexist," Sirius told him. "Now watch the other boys and observe the RIGHT way to treat a lady."

"Why would I want to treat bitches with respect?" laughed Ron. "This class sucks! I'm out of here!" Ron stalked out of the room to cut class.

"Hey Draco!" I said in a flirty voice.

"I'm not listening to you!" he shot back. "You're a slut!"

"No, I'm not!" I explained flirtily. "I've only ever loved you!"

"Prove it," said Draco. I kissed him and the whole class cheered. It was a deep, meaningful kiss of true love! He would know now that I really loved him.

"Wow," he said when we came apart, "I guess I was wrong after all." I knew we would be together forever now.

"Crystal, you did great!" said Sirius. "Full marks for both of you!" 


	8. Me and Draco almost do it

"I have bad news and good news," said Dumbledore at dinner. "First of all, Ron is missing -"

Before he could even finish his sentence, everyone but those sluts Pansy, Parvati, Lavender, and Millicent started cheering.

"It seems he ran away during a Defence Against the Dark Arts class," Dumbledore continued. "No one has seen him since. Now for the bad news: I lost my favorite Jonas Brother album!"

"I wonder where that sexist idiot went?" I asked Draco as Pansy started crying.

"Who knows, but we're better off without him!" laughed Draco.

"Hey, this is my brother we're talking about!" shouted Ginny angrily. "I should be happier than anyone that that sexist slime is gone!"

"Sorry, Gin," I apologized. "We were being insensitive. But where could he have gone?"

"Maybe he moved to Texas," suggested Luna. "There are a lot sexist people there."

"Yeah, that's probably what happened," I said, hoping this didn't have anything to do with what Ron said about having his revenge against me.

"Hey, now that Ron's gone we can wear sexy clothes without worrying about being raped!" said Hermione happily. "Let's all go shopping in Hogsmeade tomorrow!"

"Okay," said me, Ginny, Luna, and Padma. We all went to our common rooms. Draco brought me into the empty boys' dormitory.

"Hey, Crystal!" he said. "I want to show you how much I love you!"

He started snogging and excitedly pulling off each other's clothes. By the time we were down to our underwear, I was getting really turned on!

"Hey, what's going on here!" yelled Blaise Zabini, standing in the entrance of the dormitory with Crabbe and Goyle.

"Do you MIND?" Draco demanded. "Can't you see I'm a little BUSY here!"

"No, we went to go to sleep NOW!" Blaise said impatiently. "Make her leave!"

"I'm sorry, I guess you'll have to leave," he told me.

"It's okay," I replied. "It's not your fault."

I felt sad that I didn't get to have sex with Draco, but I put on my clothes because I couldn't go back to my dormitory in just my underwear because then Pansy and Millicent would think I was a slut like them! After I got back to my dormitory, I stripped to my underwear and went to bed. 


	9. Shopping Day!

I went to Hogsmeade the next day with Hermione, Ginny, Luna, Padma, and Sibyll. I was wearing an orange and purple kimono with underwear on underneath. I also had on fishnet stockings and brown moccasins. My hair was orange now, with purple and pink highlights, and styled into an afro. Hermione was wearing a gray ballerina outfit with purple go-go boots and underwear. Ginny had on a maroon cocktail dress with underwear on underneath and a green mop top. Luna only had on an orange and purple one-piece while Padma was rocking a blue and orange sarafan dress with underwear, flip-flops, and her purple hair in a mullet.

Suddenly, Sibyll stepped out of the changing room. She was wearing an orange ayam on her navy blue hair, which was styled into dreadlocks! She had on a red and orange plaid ball gown with green tights, purple boat shoes and olive rubber gloves! I couldn't see it, but I assumed she was wearing underwear - probably a purple and yellow shelf bra and a green taffeta string thong with a picture of an purple puppy dog on it! She looked exactly like Megan Fox!

"Wow, you look sexy!" we all said.

"I foresaw this would be a great combination," said Sibyll. We all laughed.

"I hated your classes," Hermione said to Sybill, "but it's awesome to spend time with you!"

"I don't know why those sluts Parvati and Lavender like me so much," said Sybill shaking her head. "I've predicted many times that they'll ruin their lives by wearing practically nothing and sleeping with every boy in Hogwarts."

"You're just that awesome," explained Ginny.

"I like that outfit," Luna said to me, "but I think you need to push it further if you're going go out with Draco again. You'll have to look your best."

"And you'll need great underwear," added Ginny. "If you're going to have sleep with him, he'll see it."

"Do I have to do that?" I asked.

"You don't want to have sex with Draco?" asked Padma in surprise. "That's every girl in the castle's dream!"

"I don't know," I said uncertainly. "I'm a virgin so it's very confusing. What if it's terrible and we never talk to each other again? What if I get pregnant and he gets scared away?"

"That won't happen," Sibyll assured me in a motherly voice. "Draco really loves and he'll stay with you in matter what."

"You're right," I said, feeling better. "I'm going to go through with it!" We all cheered!

Later me and Luna went up to the Shrieking Shack to talk about Sirius.

"It's so cool that Sirius is a teacher now," said Luna. "He's really hot!"

"That's my godfather you're talking about!" I yelled. Luna laughed and I did too.

"Hey there, you stupid girls!" shouted an ugly sexist voice.

I gasped! Ron was walking right up to us followed by three Death Eaters. 


	10. It's so unfair!

"RON, THERE ARE DEATH EATERS BEHIND YOU!!!" we yelled.

"Yeah, I know," laughed Ron. "I've joined them." He pulled up his sleeve to reveal the Dark Mark. We gasped!

"That's Harry Potter right there!" he laughed, pointing at us.

"I think that's Luna Lovegood," said Fenrir cluelessly.

"No, the other one, you idiot!" yelled Ron angrily. "Potter was turned into a girl by a potion accident!"

"How did you know?" I asked, knowing Ron wasn't smart enough to work it out on his own.

"I overheard Gilderoy talking about it with Seamus," Ron explained. "Why didn't you tell ME, Potter!"

"Because you're sexist!" yelled Luna.

"Well, we'll see who's sexist now!" laughed Ron in an evil voice. "GET THEM!!!

The Death Eaters started chasing us! We got the rest of the girls and quickly finished up our shopping before they could catch us. Then we ran into Hogwarts. Dumbledore slammed the door in the Death Eaters' faces.

"This is bad," said Dumbledore, wearing a scuba diving outfit and a clown nose.

"Why are you dressed like that?" asked Ginny.

"Trust me, you don't want to know," explained Dumbledore.

"Ron is on the loose!" I shouted. "He's joined the Death Eaters and he's sexist!"

"Uh, oh," said Dumbledore in a worried voice. "I'll have to tell the Ministry of Magic."

"But they'll do something stupid and make everything worse!" yelled Hermione. "They might even send Umbridge to take over again."

"Probably," Dumbledore admitted, "but I'll take the chance. Now go to your rooms." We all went to our rooms sadly. 


	11. Umbridge returns

Sorry I took so long to update. Here's a new chapter. Yay!

The next morning I looked out the window and gasped! There were dementors flying around the school.

"Oh no, Voldemort's attacking!" I screamed.

I realized I had to get to the Great Hall as fast as possible, so I quickly put on tweed underwear, a blood red tank top, a pink hobble skirt, and orange sandals. Then I ran upstairs with Pansy and Millicent to the Great Hall. We saw Umbridge there!

"There are dementors attacking the school!" I yelled.

"Yeah, I know," said Umbridge proudly. "They're guarding the school like when Sirius Black escaped. Ten points from Slytherin for questioning my methods!"

We went to our seats and the rest of the students came in. Umbridge started talking in her ugly, slutty voice.

"The Ministry has learned that a sexist student named Ron has joined the Death Eaters," she said to everyone. "In order to protect the rest of the students from this Ron, who is still in the area, the Ministry has taken over Hogwarts. I am now headmistress again!"

"Noooooooooo!" I screamed.

"Dumbledore isn't here anymore," Umbridge continued. "Fudge sent him and Hagrid to Azkaban because he's homophobic. We've gotten rid of McGonagall too and now Lucius Malfoy is taking her place."

"Hey," said Lucius, who was at the staff table.

"Don't worry, Lucius has agreed to not let other Death Eaters into Hogwarts," Umbridge assured us. "I know he's telling the truth because we did a pinky swear about it together. Also Wormtail will be taking over for Hagrid. I don't see how any of this could go wrong and if you question any of it, you'll get detention writing with the Blood Quill."

"How could she DO this?" I asked Draco as we walked down a hall. Draco looked sad.

"My dad will want me to join his side when he brings the other Death Eaters in," said Draco. "I can't betray him - he'd ground me forever. I guess we have to break up now. I'm sorry."

I started to cry. Umbridge had ruined everything!


	12. Care of magical Creatures

We went to Care of Magical creatures, where Wormtail was teaching. Me and Draco weren't talking anymore because I didn't want him to get in trouble and I didn't know if Lucius knew my true identity.

"Today, we'll learn about the Cruciatus Curse," said Wormtail in a ratty voice. "I'll be casting it on students I don't like."

"What does that have to do with Care of Magical Creatures?" asked Luna angrily.

"Because taking care of Hagrid's stupid creatures is stressful," said Wormtail, "and I want to take it out on someone. Now, who wants to go first?"

Suddenly, everyone behind me backed away without me noticing.

"Well done, Miss Potter, well done," said Wormtail. "Crucio!"

The curse hit me in the face. I screamed and cried as Wormtail laughed in an evil voice.

"Stop!" yelled Draco, who had tears in his amazing blue eyes. "This is wrong! You're hurting her!"

"How DARE you!" yelled Wormtail loudly. "You're betraying your father! I'm telling!" Then Wormtail ran away.

"You shouldn't have done that!" I told Draco. "Now they'll make you write with the Blood Quill!"

"It's worth it," said Draco. "I couldn't stand to see you tortured like that."

"Oh, Draco," I said as I began to cry. "What will become of us? I'm so scared! Are we going to die?"

"No, we'll go to Gilderoy for help," said Draco in a mannish way. "He'll be able to fix everything just like he did when Ron attacked you in the 3 Broomsticks."

I nodded tearfully and we went to Gilderoy's office.

"Lucius Malfoy is probably going to make Death Eaters attack Hogwarts!" I told Gilderoy. "You've got to do something! I'm so scared!"

"Don't worry, Sirius and I are working on a plan," Gilderoy said handsomely. "Just don't let Umbridge find out or she'll send us to Azkaban."

"Okay," I said, still feeling very worried. Draco kissed me and I wrapped my arms and legs around him. I felt so safe in his arms!

"I'm just going to go now," said Gilderoy awkwardly and he walked out of the room.

Draco smiled at me. 


	13. Umbridge catches us!

"Do you want to... you know," he said awkwardly.

"We could die tonight when Lucius brings in the Death Eaters," I pointed out. "I don't want to die a virgin."

"Okay, but we could get in real trouble for doing it in a teacher's office," said Draco as he started romantically rubbing his forehead against my cheek.

"I don't care anymore," I said. "I only want your love, Draco!"

Draco threw me on Gilderoy's desk and jumped on top of me there. He started kissing me passionately, causing my arms and legs to twist around and knock Gilderoy's photos of himself onto the floor. I felt so turned on as Draco started to pull off his rumchunder sports jacket and maroon T-shirt with Robert Pattinson on it, revealing his sexy chest. At the same time, I pulled off my oxford tank top, though I still had my bra on. As Draco came down to kiss me again, he pushed his hot pink pants down. After he kicked his pants onto the floor, Draco reached behind me to start undoing my forest green bra.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!"

Draco jumped off the desk and I looked up to see Umbridge! I covered my bra with my hands, but Draco was wearing nothing but his purple angora boxers, orange rugby socks, and suede shoes. I was so embarrassed!

"Please, don't tell anyone!" I begged. Umbridge laughed.

"I'm going to tell the whole school!" she laughed. "Even your father, Draco! And you're both going to have detention with the Blood Quill tonight! No one has sex in MY school!"

"It's not your school, it's Dumbledore's!" yelled Draco, who was standing there shaking.

"It's mine now!" said Umbridge evilly. "And you two are going to be watched at all times so you can't try to to have sex ever again!"

I felt a sharp stab in my heart! This was so unfair! Draco was my true love and now I couldn't even give myself to him! Would Umbridge let us even kiss? Umbridge laughed!

"If I hear about you trying to have sex again," she said, "you're both expelled forever!"


	14. Detention with the Blood Quill

Draco and I went to detention with Umbridge that night. She was sitting in her office with the pictures of kittens and stuff.

"I want you to write that you will not have sex ever in your lives," said Umbridge. "You won't be needing any ink."

"Yeah, I've done this before," I said without thinking.

"What do you mean?" asked Umbridge. "I've never met you before in my life, Crystal Potter."

"Oh, never mind," I said quickly. "I just misspoke."

"Okay, that makes sense," said Umbridge.

Draco and I started writing the message while Umbridge drank Sprite from her tea cup. Of course, we didn't mean it and we were planning to have sex as soon as we got away from Umbridge. In fact, while Umbridge wasn't looking, Draco used the Blood Quill to draw a heart with my name in it, causing it to briefly appear on his hand like a tattoo. I even crossed a "t" for Draco so that we would be blood brother and sister.

Suddenly, there was a a loud boom. We looked out the window and saw a whole bunch of Death Eaters running into the castle! Umbridge screamed and dropped her tea cup on the floor! Lucius burst into the office with Fenrir, Bellatrix and Ron.

"How COULD you!" Umbridge shrieked. "I thought we had a deal! We did a pinky swear, remember?"

"I had my fingers crossed behind my back," said Lucius smugly.

"Damn the loopholes!" yelled Umbridge.

"Avada Kedavra!" said Lucius, pointing his wand at Umbridge. She flew out the window and fell into the moat.

"Ha, now there's one less ugly woman in the world!" laughed Ron happily. Bellatrix looked uncomfortable with how sexist Ron was.

"We know you're really Harry Potter, Crystal!" Lucius said. "Draco, kill her and join us or die!"

Draco looked like he didn't know what to do. I saw tears welling up in his beautiful eyes. He wouldn't kill me, would he?


	15. Rescue

Author's note: One reviewer think I'm a troll. Well, I'm not a troll and don't think I need a lobotomy lol. You might have thought I'm a troll because of the comedy parts, but notice this is partly a humor fic. Still, the romance and Death Eater stuff is serious.

Story: "I'll never kill her!" yelled Draco loudly. "I'd rather die!"

"Then so be it!" laughed Lucius, holding up his wand. Draco grabbed my hand and we jumped out the broken window together. The green light from Lucius' wand just barely missed us.

"NO!" screamed Lucius as we got away.

Once we were on the ground, a whole bunch of Death Eaters started chasing us!

"You'll never escape now!" laughed Ron as he watched us through the broken window. "Girls can't run very fast," he added because he was sexist.

The Death Eaters fired curses at us as we ran towards the Forbidden Forest! Suddenly, a rope came down in front of us. I looked up to see Sirius and Gilderoy flying on Buckbeak.

"Hurry, climb on!" yelled Sirius helpfully. We climbed onto Buckbeak! He started to fly us away from Hogwarts.

"You won't escape that easily, you fools!" said Lucius. He turned into smoke and chased us.

"Reducto!" said Gilderoy with his wand. The spell hit Lucius and made him fall like when Ginny used it. He didn't die because he landed on Umbridge's dead body and she was so fat that he bounced and landed softly on the ground.

"NOOOOOO!" shouted Lucius as we flew out of sight.

"Where will we go now?" I asked in a worried voice. "I can't go back to the Dursleys as a girl," I said even though I wouldn't have wanted to go there anyway.

"We'll take you both to Malfoy Manor," said Sirius.

"But my dad lives there and he's trying to kill us!" Draco pointed out.

"He'll be wanted by the Ministry by now and so they won't let him go back there," replied Sirius.

"Okay," I said. 


	16. Draco's House

We all arrived at Draco's house on Buckbeak. Narcissa was there.

"Welcome home, Draco!" she said motherly.

"These are my friends," said Draco, introducing us as we climbed off Buckbeak.

"Oh, I know Sirius and Gilderoy," she laughed. "I dated Gilderoy back in wizard college. Who's the girl?"

"Oh, that's Crystal Potter," explained Draco. "She used to be Harry Potter, but then she got turned into a girl by accident." I felt worried that Narcissa might not like me because her husband was a Death Eater. What if she wouldn't want me to see Draco anymore?

"That's nice," said Narcissa. "Are you dating?"

"Yes," said Draco. "She's the only thing that matters to me in the world, so if you don't want us together..."

"No, it's okay with me!" she said. "Just don't let your father find out."

"Well, he's trapped at Hogwarts right now so you don't have to worry about that," said Gilderoy.

We all went into the house and went to sleep in beds. The next morning I went downstairs to have breakfast with Draco and everybody. Gilderoy was grilling waffles with cantaloupe.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," I said back in a voice.

"Gilderoy's actually quite a good chef," said Narcissa happily.

"Yeah, I went into cooking after I couldn't be a professor after that sexist idiot Ron used his wand to accidentally erase my memory on purpose," explained Gilderoy. Suddenly, Sirius walked into the room holding the Daily Prophet in his hand.

"I have bad news," he said. "The Death Eaters took over Hogwarts after we left. The dementors are on their side now so the Aurors can't go in to stop them. And they've made Ron the new headmaster!"

"No!" I shouted in shock. "They wouldn't do that!"

"I'm afraid they did," said Sirius heavily. "Ron's abolished the houses and he's divided the school between boys and girls. The boys get the half with the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom, the Quidditch pitch, the library, and the prefects' bath while the girls get the Divination classroom, the kitchens, and the sewing machine room. He's also made the girls' uniform a bikini."

"That's sexist!" I yelled.

"Yeah," said Sirius sadly. "He's so sexist that he's forbidden girls from even doing their own writing. He goes around shouting 'STOP WRITING' over and over again because he's brain damaged and he needs a lobotomy."

"It's actually quite sad," I admitted. "If he weren't so sexist, I'd almost feel sorry for him."

"Yeah," Sirius repeated. "Anyway, Ginny's come to stay with us because Ron expelled her as well as all the girls who aren't hot." Ginny walked in the room looking miserable.

"I can't believe I'm related to that sexist monster," said Ginny, almost on the verge of tears.

"Hey, it's okay," I told her. "We'll go shopping and everything will be better."

"Yeah, let's do that!" she said cheerfully. We ran out the door together! 


	17. Shopping Day 2

Outside, we saw McGonagall!

"What are you doing here?" I asked in surprise.

"I heard about what happened to Hogwarts," she said sadly. "The only way to get rid of the Death Eaters there is with Dumbledore and Hagrid, but Fudge sent them to a Degayification Camp. He doesn't understand Dumbledore and Hagrid will lose all their powers if they become straight."

"We have to stop him!" I shouted. "That's homophobic!"

"Yeah, we have to get them out of there as soon as possible," she said. "Every second counts. Where were you and Ginny going anyway?"

"We were going shopping," I said.

"Okay, I'll go shopping with you guys," said McGonagall. "Then we'll get Draco and go straight to the Degayification Camp."

Me, Ginny, and McGonagall went to Nordstrom together. I got a grenadine Birkin bag, blue jeans, a green duffel camisole, an olive green teddy, a tweed cupless bra, and a dark brown slip with tennis shoes to match. Ginny got a gray jean skirt, an orange and red spandex cocktail dress, light green go-go boots, and an orange leather toga. McGonagall got a sleeveless tube top, olive green platform shoes, an orange drap-de-Berry thong, a purple French maid outfit, orange unitard with blue polka dots, and a lustring sky blue microskirt.

After that we went to Malfoy Manor to get Draco and take him to the Degayification Camp. 


	18. The Degayification Camp

"Hey, Draco," I said, walking into his bedroom without knocking. "We have to go save - AAAAAAAA!" I screamed. Draco was naked!

"Knock next time!" he yelled as he put his pillow in front of his huge member.

"Sorry," I said in an embarrassed voice. "Anyway, we have to go save Hagrid and Dumbledore from a Degayification Camp."

"Okay, let me get dressed first!" he said.

I left the room. Later Draco came out wearing an orange and blue pinstriped suit with an olive clip-on tie and purple clogs! He looked so sexy, I felt like I was melting before him!

"Okay, let's go," said McGonagall as she lit a fire in the middle of the room.

"The house is on fire!" screamed Narcissa, running around waving her arms. "DO something!" Gilderoy was about to do a water spell, but McGonagall held up her hand.

"We're doing Floo powder," she explained.

"Oh, never mind then," said Narcissa as the fire consumed the couch. McGonagall put Floo powder in it and it turned green! Me, Ginny, Draco and McGonagall went into it.

"Degayification Camp!" she said. Then we felt all the Floo powder effects and came out in a campfire next to a tent!

"I hear voices down there," said Ginny.

We followed her around the tent to see a bunch of gay people sitting around another campfire. Hagrid and Dumbledore were with them. Fenrir Greyback was standing there wearing a park ranger outfit and all the gay people had been forced to wear unfashionable clothes!

"Today we'll learn how to be ungay," said Fenrir. Suddenly, Pansy walked in wearing a slutty pink outfit!

"This is Natasha - I mean, Megan - I mean, Pansy!" explained Fenrir. "She is a girl. Now I want you all to stare at her boobs and treat her like an object."

"But I'm a Cheerleader!" yelled Pansy.

"Men need to think of girls as objects rather than people," said Fenrir in an evil voice. "Otherwise it means they're gay!"

"No, it doesn't!" yelled Draco. "That's sexist! And I'm straight and I love Crystal as a person!"

"That means you're gay!" laughed Fenrir. "You should join the camp too! Wait, what are you doing here anyway?"

"Avada Kedavra!" said McGonagall. The spell hit Fenrir and he fell into the fire and burned up!

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Pansy. She ran away.

"Now we'll take you out of here!" said McGonagall as she put Floo powder into the campfire. We all went into the campfire.

"Malfoy Manor," said McGonagall. We came out in the living room. By now it had half burned down.

"Okay, you can put out the fire now," said McGonagall as she and the gay people walked out, stepping over the charred remains of the front door. Sirius put out the fire and fixed the room with magic.

"Want to go up to my room?" asked Draco. "We could... do it." I didn't know what to do?

Okay, readers, should Draco and Crystal do it now or should they save themselves for marriage? What do you think?


	19. Sex

Ha, ha, someone with bad grammar told me this was terrible and then called me a troll! If I was a troll (which I'm not) wouldn't I already think it was terrible? BTW, Crystal is not a Mary Sue.

I followed Draco upstairs. I was so excited that I skipped up the stairs two at a time! Draco threw off his jacket, tie, and shoes as he entered his room. I followed and locked the door. Then I turned to look at Draco and felt my face start to become red as I thought about what we would be doing!

"Don't be shy," said Draco encouragingly. "Just take off your clothes."

Still blushing, I pulled off my orange sweater as Draco removed his dress shirt and green socks. Then he dropped his pants and boxers on the floor together and stepped out of them! With Draco completely naked and obviously turned on, I worked up the courage to push my jeans and panties down together. By now my hands were shaking too much for me to undo my tweed bra, so Draco confidently stepped up to me and did it for me. Once my bra was on the floor, it struck me that we were two naked teenagers standing right in front of each other. The urge to do it was really strong now!

Draco gentlemanly took my hand led me into his bed. I was naked in bed with a boy! I came up to Draco to start snuggling in his manly arms. It felt strange, but exciting! Then Draco kissed me. We continued to kiss as Draco inserted "himself" into me.

"Ah! Ah!" I screamed as Draco went deeper and deeper into my pleasure hole. I felt like I was giving myself to him completely. After this, there would be nothing more I could possibly give. But no boy deserved it more than my Draco!

And then I had an orgasm! And then another! It was pleasure beyond pleasure! As I had more orgasms, I forget about the world around me. Nothing existed anymore except for me, Draco, and the incredible pleasure between my legs.

I felt the pure ecstasy of sex several more times before we finally got tired and collapsed. I was surprised I didn't notice how sweaty we had become. Draco threw away the gauzy sheet to give our bodies some cool air, but I didn't mind. I didn't feel embarrassed being naked in front of Draco anymore. I curled up to his still sweaty, amazing body and let him hold me. I didn't need any covering other than his manly arms. We fell asleep like that!


	20. Back to Hogwarts!

People are now calling me sexist! Weren't you paying attention when I said I don't share the views of Ron? I say that at the beginning of chatper 3 if you'll notice. Besides, I can't be sexist cuz I'm a girl lol. And sorry if you're Team Jacob, JustOneBreath92, but I'm Team Edward!

On with the story!

I went downstairs the next day. I was wearing a dark green halter top with an orange and blue stripped bubble skirt from Old Navy with gray high heels. I had dyed my hair purple today with large blue spots. I also had underwear on.

"Hello everyone," said McGonagall, walking in the door with Dumbledore and Hagrid.

"What's up?" asked Draco, wearing a sexy orange suit with purple polka dots on it. He had dyed his hair olive green.

"We must go back to Hogwarts," said Dumbledore in a very serious voice. "We can't let that sexist idiot Ron run the place any longer!"

"No kidding!" I said. "What do you need us for?"

"We need you especially, Crystal," said Dumbledore. "You were the one who made all those dementors go away in your third year. After you get rid of the dementors around the school, me, Minerva, Hagrid, Gilderoy, and Sirius will go in to capture the Death Eaters. You and Draco can also go in if you wish, but Ginny is underage so she can't go."

"No fair!" yelled Ginny madly. She marched upstairs and slammed her door so loud the whole mansion shook and a chandelier fell on the floor and broke into twelve piece.

"Are you ready to go?" asked Hagrid as Narcissa started to cry about the broken chandelier which had been expensive.

"Yeah, okay," I said. Gilderoy took out a purple lamé sock and made it into a Portkey. We all touched it and went to Hogwarts. Unlike when I went to the Quidditch World Cup, I walked to the ground with Draco. Only Dumbledore fell on the ground because he wasn't thinking.

"Oops," he said, laughing. The dementors started flying towards us!

"Think of something happy!" Sirius told me in a helpful voice. I thought of when me and Draco had had sex.

"EXPECTO PATRONUM!" I yelled epicly. The horse thing with the antlers came and a big white bubble knocked all the dementors away like when I did it in my third year to save Sirius and everybody.

"Hurry!" said McGonagall. "We have to go into Hogwarts before they come back."

We ran onto the grounds, but then Death Eaters started attacking us with wands!

"Quick, you go into the castle!" yelled Gilderoy. "We'll distract them!"

While Dumbledore, McGonagall, Hagrid, Gilderoy, and Sirius distracted the Death Eaters by fighting with them, me and Draco ran inside without the Death Eaters noticing.

"I guess it's up to us," I said once we were inside the oak front doors. "We'll have to stop that sexist idiot Ron by ourselves!"


	21. The sexist school

In the Entrance Hall, we saw the beautiful doors to the Great Hall had "GENTLEMEN GO HERE" written on it and the ugly doors leading to the dungeons said "BITCHES THIS WAY." I couldn't believe how sexist that sexist idiot Ron was!

"This is sexist!" I yelled in an amazed voice.

"I don't know how we can get to Ron's office," said Draco sadly. "He's probably changed where everything is since he took over like Dumbledore did in our third year for no reason."

"Yeah," I said. "I guess I'll have to go with the other girls and you'll have to go with the boys. Maybe we can convince them to rebel against Ron and kill that sexist idiot for good this time!"

"Okay," said Draco, "but it'll be hard to convince the boys because most of them are probably sexist. It's worth a try, though."

I went down into the dungeons. I saw all the girls were wearing ugly gray micro bikinis and walking into the kitchen. Lucius was making them go by flailing them with a whip.

"Make food for the boys and maybe you won't get raped!" he laughed evilly.

"STOP!" I yelled bravely. "This is wrong and it's SEXIST!"

"Why it's Crystal Potter!" said Lucius, twirling his long blonde hair like a mustache. "I see you're not wearing a bikini like you're supposed to."

"I won't wear a bikini!" I yelled angrily.

"If you say so," said Lucius. He did a spell and I was nude!

"Okay, I'll wear a bikini!" I screamed as I tried to cover myself with my hands and the slutty girls like Pansy giggled.

"I thought you might change your mind," said Lucius in a mean voice. He did the spell again and I was wearing a bikini like the other girls. I started to cry and Hermione and Luna came up to comfort me. They had been forced to wear the bikinis too, making them look like sluts even though they weren't. Lucius laughed.

"Now you'll help the other girls make food for the boys," he said.

"When do WE eat?" I asked, feeling hungry.

"You get the boys' leftovers!" cackled Lucius. "They normally don't have any, but at least we have a system. Besides, girls get thinner when they don't eat!"

"That's sexist!" I yelled. Lucius just laughed his head off like he was crazy or something.

"I'll tell Ron we have you now," he said. "Voldie will be so happy to know we've captured the Chosen One!" Then he made us all go into the kitchen with his whip.


	22. trapped

After we made food for the boys, we went to the girls' common room. It used to be the Hufflepuff common room, but Ron had had all the walls painted pink because he was sexist. Hermione told me what it was like there now.

"The boys come down here all the time to try to rape us and say sexist things," she said angrily, "but we aren't allowed to go up there. All the female teachers got fired and Bellatrix ran away and went to Voldie because she thinks Ron is too sexist. We've been hoping that she'll convince Voldie to save us." I sighed sadly.

"Who would've thought that we'd be hoping for Voldemort to save us?" I said. "I guess it goes to show how evil Ron is that Voldie doesn't seem so bad anymore."

"Exactly," said Luna bitterly. "We only have one class now and it's called How To Be A Slut. It's way worse than when Voldemort took over the school and had the Carrows teach us."

"Hey, I like it like this!" said Parvati in a slutty voice. "Now the boys can look at most of our incredible bodies!"

"Shut up, you're a slut!" I yelled.

Suddenly, Lucius walked evilly in the door. He was laughing badly.

"The Death Eaters made Dumbledore, McGonagall, Hagrid, Gilderoy, and Sirius go away," he told us. "You and Draco are now trapped here forever!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed. This wasn't fair!

"Ron wants me to bring you and Draco up to his office," Lucius conveyed evilly. "I think he's going to punish you!"

I followed Lucius out of the room sadly.


	23. Up to the Office room

AN: I'm NOT sexist and I'm not a slut either!

Lucius dragged me to the gargoyle that went up to the headmaster's office. Wormtail came with Draco. Draco was wearing the handsome silver suit which was the boys' uniform. He looked sad that they had forced me to dress like a slut.

"Say the password, Wormtail," said Lucius smugly.

"Girls suck," laughed Wormtail and the gargoyle jumped aside. Lucius grabbed my ear and pulled me onto the escalator. Draco and Wormtail followed. Then we walked into Ron's office!

Ron had taken down all the pictures of old headmasters and headmistresses and replaced them with moving photos of porn girls. It was disgusting and I was sure some of them were underage! Ron was sitting on the desk thing, wearing an old-fashioned suit and smoking a cigarette with his ugly red hair slicked back. He looked exactly like that sexist idiot Don Draper.

"I bow before you, my sexist master!" said Lucius as he and Wormtail got down on the floor. "What is your bidding today?"

"Rise, my humble servant," said Ron in an evil voice. "Hold Draco so he can watch us." Lucius and Wormtail grabbed Draco while Ron turned to look at me.

"And so we finally have the Chosen One in our hands," he said. "Until Voldie gets here, we can do whatever we want to you!"

"What are you going to do to me?" I asked in a scared voice.

Ron laughed. He reached into his pants and pulled out his wand!

"NO!" I screamed as Ron started to play with his wand in his hands.

"Take off your bikini," said Ron, proudly holding his wand at me. "This spell only works if you're naked!"

"NO!" I screamed, running from the room as Ron made white stuff come out of his wand. Lucius and Wormtail started chasing me! 


	24. Draco saves me

AN: Why is everyone so upset about Ron being slightly OOC? I SAID I'd have Ron bashing. Oh, and the person who keeps flaming me with different names using the anonymous review button needs to stop reading the story if they hate it so much!

I ran down the escalator. Draco did a spell to make Lucius and Wormtail fall, proving he wasn't a sniveling coward. Then he rushed up to me and carried me away romantically.

"We need to get out of here!" I yelled proactively as he carried me, proving I wasn't a whimpering damsel in distress.

"Okay," said Draco as he carried me all the way up to the top of the Astronomy Tower. Ron had changed it so that you could only use the telescope to spy on girls taking baths in Hogwarts and Hogsmeade as well. Draco gentlemanly set me down near where he'd been when he'd been unable to kill Dumbledore.

"We're trapped!" I yelled in a scared voice.

"Not for long," said Draco. He took off his jacket and gave it to me so I wouldn't be half-naked anymore.

"What are we going to do?" I asked worriedly.

"This," said Draco. He cast a spell at Hogsmeade. A rope flew out of his wand and attached itself to the top of the 3 Broomsticks place. Draco tied our end of the rope to the spinny atom thing in the middle of the room. He climbed onto the rope and held me.

"Can you handle this?" he asked because he was a gentleman and not a coward like a person needing a lobotomy would think.

"Yes, just hold me tight so I don't get too scared!" I said bravely since I was not some damsel in distress.

"Okay, here goes!" said Draco. We slid down the rope. I screamed and closed my eyes because I was terrified. But Draco was holding me tight and I knew he would never let go!

Then we landed on the roof of the Three Broomsticks restaurant or whatever it is. I saw Lucius and Wormtail were sliding on the rope after us!

"Oh, no!" I yelled. "Stop them!"

Draco untied the rope from the roof where we were and it went away. Lucius and Wormtail went all the way down the rope and into the lake!

"That'll teach those sexist idiots!" I laughed. 


	25. New BIG plan

An: I don't get why the haters keep reading this story if they hate it so much. And why do they seem to be so angry at me? It's not like I'm forcing anyone to read this. And all they do is tell me over and over again that the story is awful and I should stop writing. I suppose constructive CRITICISM would be out of the question or something. Twilight rules!

More story: Draco and me went off the roof of the place. I knew that sexist idiot Ron and the Death Eaters were at Hogwarts and couldn't get us while we were in Hogsmeade. I bought clothes with the money stored up my butt. Soon I was wearing a green tweed sweatshirt over a red T-shirt with orange polka dots, a purple and gray pleated skirt, and bright orange plastic high-heels. I had dyed my hair purple with six pigtails and I also had underwear on. I looked almost exactly like Megan Fox!

Draco and I went to see "Twilight: Eclipse" in a crystal ball (that's how wizards watch movies) before we went to the Hog's Head. Dumbledore and Gilderoy were there. McGonagall was also there, but she was rolling around drunk on the floor.

"I'm sorry we abandoned you, but there were too many of them," said Dumbledore sadly. "Sirius and Hagrid have gone for help."

"We know where that sexist idiot Ron has his office," said Draco. "We could take him out there, but we'd have to be fast. I suppose we could get into Hogwarts through the passageway in Honeydukes."

"Ron knows about that," I said, regretting that I was ever friends with the sexist idiot named Ron. "He probably blocked it."

"Not likely," Dumbledore reminded me. "He is stupid after all."

"Thank god for that," I sighed bitterly.

"I'm afraid Gilderoy will have to handle this on his own," said Dumbledore. "I can't leave Minnie alone drunk like this."

"All right!" said Gilderoy, standing up. "I can take him down. Crystal, Draco, follow me!"

We followed Gilderoy out into the snow.


	26. Gilderoy is Awesome!

Me, Draco and Gilderoy went through the passageway into Hogwarts. It was just like when Gilderoy bravely entered the Chamber of Secrets to save Ginny! It was too bad that sexist idiot Ron had made Gilderoy lose all his memory before he could get to Tom Riddle.

We came out of the statue thing.

"I'll go look around for Death Eaters," said Draco. "You go get that sexist Ron!"

"All right," said Gilderoy, gently taking my hand. My heart swelled! I knew I could do anything when I had the handoms man who defeated the Wagga Wagga Werewolf by my side.

We went up to Ron's office. He had Pansy on his desk and he was still wearing his Don Draper outfit.

"Leave the office with me now if you don't want to go to Azkaban where you belong!" commanded Gilderoy.

"Make me!" laughed Ron. That was a mistake!

Gilderoy did a spell that awesomely made giant hands made of light come out and try to grab Ron. Pansy screamed in a slutty voice! Ron started to run away, holding hands with that disgusting slut Pansy!

"You'll never catch us!" he laughed.

"We'll see about that!" yelled Gilderoy heroically. He started to chase Ron!

"Accio Firebolt!" said Ron and my broom flew into his hand.

"That's my broom!" I yelled loudly. "You thief!"

"Girls shouldn't have brooms," said Ron in a sexist voice. "It's too much for their pretty little bodies to handle."

Ron got on my broom thing and Pansy got on behind him. She sluttily hugged onto him with her disgusting slutty arms! Ron kicked off the ground.

"They're getting away!" I explained to Gilderoy.

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" he said.

Gilderoy epically jumped out the window and grabbed onto the bottom of the broom. It made him look exactly like Edward Cullen when he runs in the movies! I couldn't believe I ever doubted Gilderoy had done all the amazing things he did in his books! I guess I was just jealous of him for looking so hot.

They all flew away with Gilderoy holding onto the broom! 


	27. Double Surprise!

It turned out Draco chased Lucius, Wormtail, and all the Death Eaters out of Hogwarts. Cornelius Fudge changed his mind about being homophobic and let Dumbledore and Hagrid come back. McGonagall took me and Draco to the hospital wing in case we might have been hurt.

"Ron and Pansy flew away to New York," McGonagall explained as Madam Pomfrey did tests on us. "He's started a sexist ad agency and changed his name to Ron Raper. Also he married Pansy."

At first I felt sorry for Pansy, since Ron was sexist and would probably abuse her, but then I decided she deserved it for being such a huge slut.

"What happened to Gilderoy?" I asked worriedly.

"We don't know," said McGonagall. "We can only hope he's still alive. In the meantime, Ludo Bagman will be teaching Herbology."

"Hey, guess what!" said Madam Pomfrey. "I've finished testing you and you're not hurt, but you're PREGNANT!"

"WHAT?" I asked in surprise.

"I guess it must've happened when you and me had sex!" said Draco thoughtfully.

I was so scared. Being pregnant would make me get fat! Would Draco still like me?

"What are we going to do?" I asked him.

"Well, I'm a Malfoy, so I'll have to do the honorable thing," said Draco, getting down on one knee. "Crystal Potter, will you be my wife?"

I gasped! This was the most wonderful moment of my entire life!

"Yes! Yes!" I yelled happily as I started to cry. "A thousand million billion zillion times yes!"

"This is so romantic!" squealed Professor McGonagall, jumping up and down excitedly. "I'll go tell everyone!"

She ran out of the room yelling about the wedding while me and Draco matrimonily looked at each other smiling.

"Sorry, I don't have a ring yet," said Draco, "but I'll get one later."

"It better be big!" I laughed. 


	28. My life is ruined!

The next day, I woke up and put on my makeup and dyed my hair cerulean and put it in a fontange headdress. I put on a black and brown tweed sweater, cut off jeans with purple diamond shapes, and orange socks with olive green snow shoes. I also had underwear on. All the boys stared jealously at Draco as I walked up to Dumbledore's office with him.

"I hear you two are getting married," said Dumbledore.

"Yeah," said Draco. "We're planning to do it at Malfoy Manor since Crystal's relatives would never go for it."

"I'm afraid that can't happen," said Dumbledore sadly. Suddenly, Narcissa walked in the room wearing nothing but a barrel!

"I'm afraid Lucius has come back to the house," she said. "He's kicked me out for being so nice to Crystal. It turns out he's very abusive and sexist."

"Unfortunately, Lucius controls all the family money and stuff," explained Dumbledore. "As of this moment, Draco, you own nothing but the clothes on your back."

"Lucky," muttered Narcissa, anxiously gripping the suspenders on her barrel. I felt bad that she couldn't afford anything more fashionable to wear, especially since the barrel made her look fat and totally clashed with her skin tone.

"But what about the wedding!" I gasped. "The Dursleys certainly won't pay for it! And how will I get my huge diamond ring?"

Dumbledore sadly shook his head. I started to cry! 


	29. Hope Springs Eternal

AN: A flamer needing a lobotomy seems to be upset at me for repeatedly saying something I've never said even once. They also don't like me addressing the important issue of sexism. I suppose they think I'm going to dumb down the story just for them. And I already said Crystal wasn't a Mary Sue! Anyway, this chapter is for the people like you, Mistress of Magic22, who actually LIKE reading this. If you've read this far and hate the story then just STOP READING FOR GOODNESS'S SAKES!

"There must be something you can do!" I begged to Dumbledore. Dumbledore thought about it.

"I have an idea," he said happily. "We've been thinking of having a Valentine's Day Ball on Valentine's Day for Valentine's Day. It would be so much more romantic if two people actually got married during the ball!"

"Wow, that's a great idea!" said Draco. "But I still need a ring to give to Crystal."

"We'll have a talent show to raise the money," said Dumbledore. "Then we'll make Draco giving Crystal the ring a ceremony for the whole school to watch!"

"This will be the best Valentine's Day ever!" I squealed excitedly.

"What about me?" asked Narcissa. "I don't have anywhere to live and, in case you haven't noticed, I'm wearing a BARREL!"

"You will live in the castle with us," said Dumbledore welcomingly. "You can share clothes with the female teachers. I also have an excellent collection of barrels if that's what you're into wearing these days."

"I think I'd prefer clothes," said Narcissa coolly.

"Suit yourself," said Dumbledore punnily. "In the meantime, I'll get the Order to help take back Malfoy Manor from Lucius. He doesn't deserve to sexistly lord over that dumb house! Now let's have an assembly to tell everyone about the talent show!"


	30. Announcement

AN: Jokegirl has decided I can't talk about sexism because I'm an "idiot". Apparently I'm not allowed to express my opinions unless they are approved by Jokegirl first. I guess I'll have to drop this important theme from the story just for someone who would hate it anyway. Ha, ha, that was sarcasm! I bet I fooled certain people needing lobotomies!

"Friends, wizards, country kids, lend me your ears!" said Dumbledore in an epic voice. "We'll be holding a talent show so Draco and Crystal can get married. Of course, no sexist acts will be allowed."

Several ugly boys booed, but the girls and the handsome gentlemen like Draco clapped happily!

"Our newest teacher, Ludo Badman, will be in charge!" continued Dumbledore. "We'll be holding the show in the town square of Hogsmeade so all the villagers can watch and vote for the best acts. Whoever wins will be Hogwarts Idol. The judges will Draco, Crystal, and LUNA!"

Everyone cheered.

"I hope I win," said Hermione as we walked out of the Great Hall. "It'll show everyone how cool and amazing I am!"

"Too bad I'll win!" laughed Ginny.

"No, I will!" said Hermione jokingly. We laughed as we walked into Sirius' awesome class together.


	31. Bagman screws up

The next day, I woke up, took off my orange tweed nightgown, and put on clothes. Soon I was wearing a neon green wool camisole with blood red polka dots on it and a skirt with purple and green vertical stripes. On my feet I put mustard yellow tube socks and bright orange stilettos. I also had underwear on. After that, I dyed my hair gray with olive green triangle shapes in it.

All the boys stared sexily at my amazing outfit as I went with Draco and Luna to see Bagman about the talent show.

"I have bad news," said Bagman in a worthless voice. "I gambled away all the money I was supposed to use to put on the talent show for no good reason."

"WHAT? HOW DARE YOU!" yelled Draco, shaking Bagman by his shoulders. "YOU STINKING IDIOT!"

"Don't worry I made it right," said Bagman as he cried to try to make us feel sorry for him. "Some New York ad agency agreed to fund the talent show and advertise for us for free on one condition."

"What's that?" I asked angrily.

"I don't know," said Bagman weepily, "but it's only one condition, so how bad could it be?"

"YOU IDIOT!" screeched Luna.

Suddenly, a young man with ugly slicked-back red hair walked in the room! He was dressed like from back when everyone was really sexist and smoked a lot. He was smoking a cigarette because he was too dumb to know smoking was bad for you. He was Ron!

"Hello, I'm Ron Raper," he said meanly, "and I'm the CEO of Sexist Cooper Advertising. In case you're wondering if I'm really all that sexist, I'm sleeping with all ninety-three of my secretaries!"

"YOU SEXIST PIG!" I yelled unsexistly. "What have you done to Gilderoy? I saw you fly away with him and Pansy on your broom! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THAT WONDERFUL HANDSOME MAN, YOU SEXIST IDIOT?"

"He's alive... for now," said Ron Raper. "By the way, my condition is that I get to be a judge for the talent show too!"

We all gasped angrily! 


	32. The Wrath of Ron

"NO WAY, JOSE!" I yelled madly. "You can't judge the talent show! You're SEXIST!"

"There's no other way you'll get the money!" laughed Ron Raper. "Besides, Bagman already signed the paper thing I need."

"YOU RETARDED MORON!" I yelled as I repeatedly kicked Bagman in the balls with my sexy bright orange stilettos. He started to cry pathetically.

"You know, I have slicked-back hair like Draco used to," said Ron Raper dumbly.

"So?" I asked. "Looking like someone who's sexist doesn't make you sexist. Only someone needing a lobotomy would think that." Ron Raper just laughed as I continued to kick Bagman where he deserved it.

"Let me take over Bagman's punishment," said Draco. Draco used magic to make it so all of Bagman's clothes were on fire. He started running around crying like a big baby!

"Why are you doing this?" I asked Ron dramatically. "We used to be friends! Why did you change?"

"Change? I never changed," said Ron Raper as he smoked evilly. "I've always been like this. You just never noticed it before because you were a sexist boy too. Not as sexist as me, perhaps, but enough for you not to notice. Remember how we sexistly treated those girls we took to the Yule Ball?"

"That was different!" I yelled. Ron Raper just laughed like Jafar from "Aladdin" as he Disapparated even though you weren't supposed to do that on Hogwarts grounds.

Then Bagman jumped in water and put out the fire on him. All his clothes and even his hair had burned up, leaving him naked and bald with burns all over him!

"Can you please give me some clothes?" he asked as he clapped his hands over his tiny wee-wee.

"NO!" me, Draco, and Luna laughed as we left the room to go to breakfast. 


	33. Dumbledore's Favorite Song

The next day, I went to Hogsmeade for the talent show thing. Ron Raper, Draco, and Luna were already there. Luna was wearing weird clothes, but I was wearing a purple tweed catsuit with orange polka dots and wooden clogs. I also had underwear on.

I got behind the judging table with them. It had "X" buzzers on it like on "America's Got Talent". Ron Raper was smoking sexistly.

Suddenly, Dumbledore walked out on stage fully clothed!

"I'm sorry, but Bagman will not be hosting like planned," said Dumbledore seriously. "He's been fired and sent to St. Mungo's because it turns out he's retarded."

I bowed my head. I felt bad for what we did Bagman because he was retarded, but he still should have known better than to do something that stupid.

"Anyway, my act will be first!" said Dumbledore. He started doing a striptease while singing "Naked Time!" Ron Raper buzzed him because there were no hot naked girls in the act.

"They may call me a fool, but it's naked, naked, naked time all around the school! Wheeeeee!" sang Dumbledore as he finished dancing. He was nude, but his beard was long enough that we couldn't see his private wahoo. Everyone clapped except that sexist idiot Ron Raper.

"I liked it," said Draco approvingly. "It was stylish and sophisticated. That's the kind of thing you would perform for the Queen." The crowed cheered in agreement.

"It's like the mating call of the Crumple-Horned Snorkack, but even more awesome," said Luna crazily.

"I hated it," said Ron Raper for no reason. Everyone booed him!

"Well, the audience decides not you!" I yelled at Ron Raper angrily.

"Well, they won't pick THIS!" said Ron Raper sexistly. "After all, there were no naked girls in it!"

"Well, on with the next act!" said Dumbledore happily. He walked off the stage completely naked except for his hat!


	34. Ron Raper is Sexist!

AN: I do have consideration for the mentally ill. That's why I made Crystal feel bad for what they did to Bagman. She didn't know he was retarded back then. I made him retarded because it was the only way I could explain why he did something so stupid without making him evil. I got the idea from Crystal calling him a retarded moron. I didn't mean to be offensive. Bagman only went to Ron Raper because he was retarded and NOT because he was sexist.

We saw more acts. The Weasley twins sang a song about how sexist Percy was, Ginny feministly rode on her broomstick, and Hagrid juggled a few first years. Ron Raper sexistly buzzed most of the acts for no reason.

Then Pansy came on stage. I buzzed her right away because she was a slut. She got out a stripper pole and started to dance sexually and take off her slutty pink clothes at the same time. Draco and Luna buzzed her too, but Ron Raper didn't so it didn't get stopped. Pansy finished her act by being a prostitute and getting a guy from the audience to pay to have sex with her on stage in front of everyone. Professor McGonagall told all the younger students to cover their eyes, but some didn't.

"That is the act that will win this competition!" said that sexist idiot Ron Raper, holding his cigarette evilly. "You're absolutely perfect at the only thing women can do besides clean," he added because he was sexist.

Several sexist boys in the audience cheered. I felt scared that their votes would make that ugly slut Pansy win! 


	35. More Acts

An: Someone with bad grammar is upset at me for using the word "retard" even though I never used it, saying it's "insulting to those who are mentally ill, hell, that could have been me you were insulting." Really, you're going to make that argument? Well, let's take a look at some of the things you people have said directly to me!

"If you're actually serious about this, well, I think it's time to give up on writing forever. Also look into a lobotomy."

"Go back to first grade, dilhole."

"You have got to be the stupidest person I have ever met."

"Honey, I think you are the one who is sexist and a slut. You are also a dumbass."

"You writing is so bad a ten year old can do better."

Well, what if I was ten years old? I bet you never thought of that, huh? I bet none of you have ever thought about the impact your words have on my precious self-esteem. Maybe you should think about how your words effect people before you speak, you people needing lobotomies!

Oh, and the word "your" actually does contain an "r". Even I know that in spite of being a "dumbass".

story: Narcissa came out next wearing some of Sybill's clothes and played the drums with the barrel she had been wearing when she came to Hogwarts. Then came Madam Rosmerta. Her talent was drinking Snape under the table. Seamus Finnigan tried to do a magic act, but he just made everything catch on fire, including that dumb slut Parvati who was trying to be his assistent. I laughed happily as she screamed from her stupid hair being on fire. 


	36. Hermione does it

AN: I did NOT use the offensive word "retard", I just said Bagman was retarded. How is it offensive to use a medical term to refer to someone who has that problem?

Hermione came on stage next. She did a rousing speech about how wrong rape was. It was very moving and it made everyone smart see how bad sexism was. That sexist idiot Ron Raper buzzed her right away because he liked rape. After all, he had made his name Ron RAPER.

When Hermione ended the speech, almost everyone in the audience rose as one and clapped epically. I saw some of the sexist boys who had cheered Pansy were now clapping. Hermione had made them see the error of their ways. However, the dumber sexist boys were still sitting and talking to themselves about how much they'd like to rape Hermione. I shook my head, knowing we still had a long way to go.

"THAT WAS THE BEST ACT OF THE NIGHT!" yelled Draco and the crowd cheered amazingly behind him after he said it.

"I like vanilla ice cream," said Luna dazedly. "It's better than chocolate and strawberry, I think."

"Why do you have to shove your radical agenda down our throats?" Ron Raper asked Hermione evilly. "We men should have the right to rape whoever we want because some girls are just too hot to not rape. Hot girls also shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes."

Most of the audience booed, but the boys who were still sexist made their cheers heard. I couldn't believe anyone agreed with Ron Raper's radical views on women!

We saw more acts, but none were as good as Hermione's. Daphne Greengrass danced the bolero on a balance beam. Cho Chang cried for ten whole minutes, creating a small flood. Neville Longbottom spilled things. Ron Raper buzzed them all.

After that we went back to the castle. We would find out the results tomorrow. I hoped Hermione had converted enough sexist boys that that ugly slut Pansy wouldn't win! 


	37. What will happen?

At dinner, we ate dinner in the Great Hall place. We all talked about the talent show thing.

"I hope Hermione wins," I said intelligently. "Her act was by far the best."

"Yeah, it was clearly the best," said Luna, "but I still think Dumbledore should win. His act was more funny."

I looked at Dumbledore. He was surrounded by first years and happily signing autographs for them. He was still naked, but his beard was long enough to hide his penis. I felt proud that we had such a fun headmaster, but I still thought Hermione should win because her speech was so meaningful.

"Whoever wins, it shouldn't be that disgusting slut Pansy!" said Draco affirmatively.

"Yeah, but she'll probably win anyway," I said bitterly. "Stupid people love low-brow acts like that. All the sexist boys will certainly vote for her and maybe some of the slutty girls will to."

With that, I turned to look at those skanky sluts Parvati and Lavender, who were wearing ugly green slutty clothes.

"OMG!" said Parvati in a slutty voice. "Are you, like, going to vote for Pansy Raper?"

"Like, duh!" said Lavender back. "She looked, like, totally thin and her clothes were, like, sO sexy!"

"While she was, like, still wearing them!" Parvati giggled stupidly. I felt so mad at girls who were sluts for not caring about how sexist anything was! They probably wouldn't have even cared if they got raped!

At night in bed, while I wore my pink and orange striped cheviot footie pajamas with a butt flap, I decided it didn't really matter who won. Me and Draco would still get the money to get married anyway. I just really wanted the act that was deep and meaningful and said something to win and not the stupid, sexist act that stood against everything the good act meant! 


	38. Hermione vs Pansy

The next day, I woke up and put on clothes. I started with my lilic leather bra, my pink tweed boy shorts, and olive green leg warmers. Then I put on an orange shirt with blue polka dots, a brown cargo skirt, and knee-high purple boots. I put on blood red make-up and dyed my hair forest green. Finally, I put on a mustard yellow fedora.

I went to the talent show stadium thing knowing how sexy I looked as both boys and girls stared at me. The boys liked me and the girls were jealous except for the gay ones. In that case, the gay boys were jealous and the gay girls liked me.

I sat down with Draco, Luna, and that sexist idiot Ron Raper. Ron Raper was still wearing a suit from the old days and ruining his health with a cigarette. I hoped he would get lung cancer and die because he was sexist.

"Right now we'll find out what the top three are," said Dumbledore. He was wearing a bathrobe with wizard stars on it. I was sure he was naked underneath. "But first a musical performance from the Weird Sisters!"

The Weird Sisters came out on stage and did music stuff. Ron Raper buzzed them even though they weren't part of the competition. The rest of us all clapped along happily. After they finished, Dumbledore talked.

"All right, the top three are..." he said slowly, "me, Pansy Raper, and Hermione Granger!"

"NO!" I screamed as Pansy and Hermione walked on stage. It was so unfair that that ugly slut Pansy could make it into the top three just because sexist boys liked her so much!

"We'll find out who wins, but first it's Celestina Warbeck!" said Dumbledore while still wearing his bathrobe. The audience cheered as Celestina walked on stage! Ron Raper buzzed her because he was sexist and she was a woman. After she was done, Dumbledore talked again.

"I'm sorry to say the lowest three of the top three turned out to be me," he said. "It's now between Pansy and Hermione!"

I looked at the two girls, wondering which one people had voted for. Were the people of Hogwarts and Hogsmeade going to stand up for what was right or were they going to be sexist and stupid like Ron Raper. I looked at that sexist idiot Ron Raper and saw him holding his unhealthy cigarette smugly. Obviously he thought Pansy would win!

"And the winner is..." said Dumbledore. 


	39. And the winner is

"...going to be revealed after a performance by My Chemical Romance!" he finished.

My Chemical Romance came on stage. They were a Muggle band, but they could perform for wizards because their memories would be changed before they went back to the Muggle world. They sung "Helena" and other songs. Gerard Way was so effing hot!

Ron Raper buzzed them, of course, but everyone else cheered and clapped along happily. Dumbledore, who was still on stage, threw off his bathrobe dramatically and danced naked in front of MCR! Everyone cheered even louder except for that sexist idiot Ron Raper! Dumbledore's weiner was covered by his long beard so it wasn't inappropriate like when Pansy did her slutty striptease and didn't hide anything because she was a slut.

After it was over, Dumbledore bent down to pick up the card thing he read off of, but his hair was long enough to cover up his naked butt so we couldn't see it. Dumbledore shook Gerard's hand and then MCR happily walked offstage to the Aurors who were going to erase their memories.

"Wow, that was amazing!" said Dumbledore, wiping sweat off his face. It had been quite an exhilarating performance and we could clearly see our headmaster was sweating from head to toe. "Anyway, the winner is..." 


	40. Hogwarts Idol

"HERMIONE!" finished Dumbledore epically.

Almost everyong cheered amazingly and clapped with their hands! Pansy started to cry sluttily and Ron Raper just looked mad. I knew he would try to get revenge on us again!

Naked Dumbledore walked up to Hermione and handed her the trophy thing. She was feministly dressed in clothes. She looked exactly like Betty Friedan! Confetti and balloons magically came down from the ceiling and the theme music from "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" played because it sounded cool. Ron Raper pressed his buzzer, but you couldn't even hear it over all the noise!

Hermione waved the trophy in the air and people cheered louder! I decided tomorrow we would celebrate by going shopping for my wedding dress and other wedding stuff. I hoped we would have the wedding before I started to show because I was still pregnant and I didn't want to look fat on my wedding day. I still didn't know when Draco was going to do the ceremony of giving me the ring, but I hoped it would be really soon! 


	41. The Ceremony Of The Giving Of The Ring

I went shopping with Hermione, Ginny, and Luna. I got wedding clothes, but I decided I didn't want to share them anyone until the wedding except for the wedding planner, of course, but we didn't have one of those yet.

After I put the clothes in my dorm, I left the room wearing an orange and purple plaid sweater, olive green slacks, and sky blue flip-flops with mustard yellow tweed socks. I also had underwear on. I went up to the Entrance Hall of Hogwarts and saw Draco. He was wearing a sexy mauve suit with with both scarlet and yellow polka dots!

"Hey, Crystal!" he said awesomely. "I have a big surprise for you!"

I followed him into the Great Hall. All the students and teachers were sitting there silently watching us. Dumbledore was still naked from before, but his beard was long enough to cover his gear shift. That sexist idiot Ron Raper had gone back to New York and so had his slutty wife Pansy. I had no idea what might happen any minute.

"I'm giving you the ring now!" yelled Draco. I gasped and everyone started cheering my name with their mouths!

"But where's the ring?" I asked Draco.

"Someone will give it to you," said Draco. "You'll never guess!"

Suddenly, the door opened and a man walked in! He was wearing clothes and he had hair. The hair was blond and cool and the clothes looked awesome and expensive. He was carrying the ring box in his sexy hands. He looked exactly like Robert Pattinson! He was Gilderoy! 


	42. Gilderoy's back

"Gilderoy, you're back!" I screamed. I couldn't believe it! He was alive afer all and he looked just as sexy as ever!

"Yep!" said Gilderoy. He opened the ring box and I gasped. It was an epic ring from Kay Jewelers. It had six rubies on it and twelve sapphires and the ring part was made out of pure gold! I put it on femininely. Then I looked at Gilderoy.

"what happened to you, Gilderoy?" I asked him. "How did you get away from that sexist idiot Ron Raper?"

"Ron Raper sent me to Malfoy Manor," explained Gilderoy sexily. "They locked me up in there, but Bellatrix is a feminist, so she was unhappy with most of the Death Eaters being so sexist. I convinced her to set me free and then we defeated Voldemort together. He's in Azkaban now."

"What happened to the Death Eaters?" I asked worriedly.

"Most of them got away, including Lucius and Wormtail," said Gilderoy sadly. "They've moved to New York. They work for Ron Raper now."

"That sexist idiot!" I yelled angrily.

"Bellatrix is on our side now," added Dumbledore. "She's joined Hogwarts and she'll be teaching a class on feminism starting tomorrow."

"Also this means I have control of my family's money again," said Draco in a handsome voice. "I used it to buy the ring and I donated the money from the talent show to the W.A.S.S. foundation or Women Against Stupid Sexism. They'll use it to tell everyone the truth about Ron Raper's sexist ad agency, Sexist Cooper Advertising."

"Oh Draco, you're an angel!" I yelled running into Draco's manly arm and kissing him amazingly in front of everyone! The whole room cheered epically. My life was perfect now! 


	43. We get a wedding planner

We went to Defence Against the Dark Arts, which had been renamed Flirting 101.

"Today we'll learn about showing some leg without being slutty about it," said Sirius, our teacher. "Girls will do it and the boys will rate how hot it was and how slutty it was. Whoever is the hottest while being the least slutty gets top marks."

We all did it. Those sluts Parvati and Lavender were too slutty and failed. I showed Draco some leg (although he'd already seen all of me) and wasn't a slut, so I got the top grade and stuff.

"Hey Sirius, want to be our wedding planner?" I asked Sirius.

"Okay!" said Sirius cheerfully. "I'll also be best man like I was for your parents at their wedding thing."

"Okay, that's cool," I said in a voice. We all walked out of the room and to another class with a different teacher and everything. 


	44. Bad News

An: How many times do I have to explain I don't in any way share the sexist views of that sexist idiot Ron Raper? Oh, and if you read the first chapter, you'll notice I do explain how Harry became a girl. You could have also figured out the story is about him becoming female by READING THE TITLE.

The next day I woke up from a bad dream about zombies and pineapples. I put on my olive green lingerie with red polka dots. Then I put on purple pantyhouse, yellow socks, a pink and orange tweed jersey with the number "0" on it, and a blue pinafore dress made out of expensive Egyptian cotton. I finished by putting on bright orange tennis shoes and dying my hair a lovely gray color. I also had underwear on.

Boys stared lustfully at me as I entered the Great hall because I looked out so sexy. Dumbledore was still naked because he had decided to become a nudist, but that was okay because his beard was long enough to cover his male thingy. Bellatrix was sitting with the teachers, but she was wearing all white because she was good now.

"I have bad news," said Dumbledore as he nakedly stood up. "It starts off sounding good, but then it turns really bad. W.A.S.S. made everyone see how sexist that sexist idiot Ron Raper is and he got driven out of New York. No one there likes him anymore and he was even voted the most sexist man alive by People Magazine."

"Well, that's good, isn't it?" asked Hermione, sounding confused.

"Yeah, I said it starts off sounding good and then it turns bad," Dumbledore helpfully reminded her. "You see, Ron Raper brought his sexist ad agency across the ocean. They made friends with that sexist idiot Aberforth Dumbledore and set up their new headquarters in the Hog's Head."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I yelled as angry tears rolled down my face madly. "That's SEXIST!"

"Yeah," said Dumbledore. Tears were shining in his eyes, but he bravely held them back. "Unfortunately, we can't let girls go into Hogsmeade anymore. With so many sexist people living there, they might get raped. And we can't let the boys go if they girls can't because that would be sexist. Therefore, all trips to Hogsmeade are cancelled until further notice."

I gasped! How could I buy new clothes now? I looked around and saw everyone's eyes were full of tears. McGonagall was even sobbing loudly. Tears leaked out of Dumbledore's wise eyes, but he wiped them with a part of his beard which wasn't covering his joystick.


	45. bellatrix Fun

We went to the room where Bellatrix would teach us things. She was wearing white now because she was good and it made her look like an angel. In fact, she looked exactly like Emmanuelle Béart in "Date with an Angel" except she didn't have wings or anything!

"Today we'll learn about self-defense," said Bellatrix in a feminist voice. "I'm hoping that if you all know how to protect yourselves from getting raped by sexist idiots like Ron Raper, Dumbledore might change his mind and let you all go to Hogsmeade after all anyway."

Everyone cheered hopefully, but deep down we doubted that would be enough. After all, Ron Raper and the other sexist people working for Sexist Cooper Advertising were REALLY sexist. Still, it was worth a try.

Bellatrix paired off the boys and girls. The boys would pretend to try to rape the girls and the girls would practice defending themselves with Kung Fu Ninja Karate. The sexist boys in the class weren't allowed to participate because they were sexist and might try to rape the girls for real and that would be bad.

Those bimbo sluts Parvati and Lavender failed because they didn't really try. I did great, but it was hard for me to hurt Draco although I knew he could take it because he was a guy. I could tell it was hard for him to pretend to be sexist because he was such an unsexist gentleman. At the end of the class, Bellatrix apologized for making him act so sexistly and explained how it had been necessary for me to learn my lesson.

"That was great!" said Draco as we walked to another room together. We were holding hands because Draco was unsexist enough to hold hands with me in public and everything.

"Yeah," I replied back, responding to what he said.

"You know, Valentine's Day is in just a week," he said. "I can't wait for us to be married!"

I gasped! I had forgotten it was that soon.


	46. More Stuff Happens

AN: Ha, ha, you all said I was a bad writer, but now I've been added to Flecktrike's community. Look who's laughing now!

Me and Draco went over the wedding list with Narcissa and other people.

"So we're bringing Tonks, Hagrid, Colin, and Mad-Eye too?" said Sirius, looking over the list thing because he was the wedding planner and he was also going to be the best man and stuff.

"Yeah, and remember we want it pirate themed," I reminded him as I had mentioned that to him before.

"We're going to have the Durmstrang students come up out of the lake like they did for the Triwizard Tournament," explained Sirius. "Then we'll hold the ball on the ship and raise up a pirate flag on the ship to make it awesome."

"And everyone better wear cool pirate outfits or they're not invited!" I shouted amazingly. Everyone laughed, but they still took what I said seriously because it was very important. My wedding by totally ruined forever if one person showed up not dressed as a pirate!

Draco romantically put his arm around my body and other stuff.

"My wedding is going to be just like I always pictured it!" he said happily. I kissed him EVERYWHERE.

Suddenly, Gilderoy muscularly ran in the room looking scared and handsome at the same time!

"Something bad's happened!" he said heroically. "A first-year girl named Fanny wandered down into Hogsmeade for no reason because she was a first year and didn't know any better!"

We all gasped, knowing she might get raped by the sexist people working for Sexist Cooper Advertising like that sexist idiot Ron Raper! 


	47. A plan

Note: Apparently, someone needing a lobotomy put my story into a community for bad stories and made me think it was a good community. Well, just so you know, my story is in NINE good communities, including "Harry the Girl", "Den Of Shadows", "Harry Is Very Perfect", and "Forsaken Destiny, Forsaken Fate"! What do you think of THAT?

We all decided to rescue Fanny from the people who were bad in the town. We went into the Chamber of Secrets so we wouldn't be overheard. We took the big dead snake thing and turned it into a circle and we all sat down on it and had a meeting.

"I say we just go down there and get her," said Gilderoy. He looked exactly like Robert Pattinson!

"We need to have a plan," said Bellatrix. She was wearing white angel clothes because she was good now.

"That's a good point," said Dumbledore. He was naked, but his white beard was long enough to cover his ta-dah stick. I knew his beard was white because he was old.

"Here's a plan," said Gilderoy. "We all go down to the Hogsmeade place and we split up and search for her."

"Excellent idea!" said Dumbledore. He was still naked. "Crystal should go with you since she's the Chosen One and stuff and she should see important things."

"Okay!" said Gilderoy. "But we better go now if we want to save Fanny from being raped by sexist idiots like that sexist idiot Ron Raper!"

Dumbledore whistled and Fawkes flew in. We all grabbed onto each other's hands and Dumbledore grabbed onto Fawkes. Then Fawkes flew us out of the room like in my second year. The wind blew Dumbledore's beard between his legs, so I couldn't see his ding-dong even though I was right under him. We landed in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and we all made fun of her because she was a slut. She cried because she deserved it.

Then we went to Hogsmeade to save Fanny from the sexist people who might evilly rape her! 


	48. I save Fanny Epically

Me and Gilderoy went to the Honeyduke's building which sold candy because little children like candy. We saw a little girl there who was probably Fanny. She was wearing pink overalls and holding a bright orange teddy bear. She looked so adorable!

"I want the candy!" she said cutely.

"You need money," the woman who sold the candy and stuff explained nicely. Fanny started to cry because she was a first year and didn't understand why people wouldn't give her candy.

Suddenly, an evil black limousine magically pulled up outside. Lucius Malfoy evilly stepped out of the car.

"You want candy, little girl?" he asked pedophileily. "Jump in the car with me! Then I'll give you one piece of candy for each clothing you take off in front of me sexily."

"Okay!" said Fanny because she didn't know any better because she was a first year and little kids don't know anything except that candy tastes good.

"Not so fast, you sexist pervert!" I yelled epically. I jumped at Lucius and Gilderoy made Fanny go back to the school with him by giving her candy. Then I beat Lucius up with the Kung Fu Ninja Karate which was taught to us by Bellatrix.

"That'll teach you to be so SEXIST!" I yelled at Lucius. Suddenly, the limousine driver got out of the limousine thing. It was Wormtail! 


	49. I need Draco now!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed. Wormtail pointed his wand at me with his hand!

"Stupify!" he yelled and a spell shot out of his wand and hit me! Everything went black and stuff.

I woke up in a dungeon with female skeletons wearing slutty clothes. I had been dressed in an ugly bra with two pieces of ugly cloth hanging down from my middle. I didn't even have underwear on underneath the cloths! I looked exactly like Princess Leia when she was forced to wear the sexist outfit by that slug man in the movie!

Suddenly, a sexist guy walked in the room! His ugly red hair was sexistly slicked back and he was giving me secondhand smoke with his unhealthy cigarette! He was dressed like from a hundred years ago or whenever "Mad Men" takes place. He was that sexist idiot Ron Raper!

"HOW DARE YOU!" I screeched epically. Ron Raper smiled evilly.

"You are now my slave!" he laughed sexistly. "You'll work as my secretary and I'll only pay you 75 cents on the dollar because you're a woman and women don't deserve as much money as men!"

"That's SEXIST!" I yelled. Ron Raper laughed and walked away through the dungeon door and closed it to lock me in again. I started to cry! How could Draco find me and save me from that sexist idiot Ron Raper now? 


	50. Sexist Cooper Advertising

aN: Why do so many people needing lobotomies think I'm a troll? If I was a troll, why would I make the story make so much sense?

I went upstairs to the offices. Ron Raper had built a New York building with glass walls and everything coming out of the top of the Hog's Head. My face turned red as all the sexist men looked sexistly at me, trying to get a glimpse under the cloths which covered the remains of my dignity. I was so humiliated! And I could tell the few women were sluts because they all looked jealous of the rape-filled eyes the men were giving me!

I sat down at my desk. I brought my legs together and covered my nearly bare chest with my hands, but I was sure I would probably end up getting raped anyway. I was so scared! Suddenly, one of the slutty women came up to me!

"Hello, I'm Joan Whoreoway," she said stupidly. "Don't be so shy. You have an amazing body and you should share it with the whole room!"

"NO!" I screamed in a dignified voice.

"You're new here," said Joan as she sluttily polluted the air with her cigarette. "I've been here awhile, so I know the men will like you more if you give them everything you've got. It's the only way they'll respect you."

"Yeah, that's because they're SEXIST!" I yelled loudly.

"Men deserve to have beautiful things to look at," said Joan evilly. "It's the only thing we women are good for anyway and the more they like what they see, the more sex they'll have with us!"

"You're a slut!" I screamed truthfully.

Suddenly, Ron Raper sexistly stepped out of his stupid office. He was wearing an old suit with ugly slicked back red hair!

"I would like to see Crystal Potter in my office immediately," he said lasciviously, holding his sexist cigarette sexistly. I knew he would probably try to rape me, but I had no choice but to come!


	51. An Escape From Rape

AN: Wow, I didn't realize so many people had trouble following the story. If you're confused by the story, just tell which parts you didn't get and I'll try to explain it in my next author's note. Also Snape is the Prince, not Draco or Ron. Didn't you see HBP when Snape said the words?

"We both know why you're here," Ron Raper said badly as he locked me in his office with him. "I'm a sexist man with a sexist man's needs and you've got what I need - a woman to rape for no reason!"

"YOU'RE SEXIST!" I screamed epically. Ron Raper threw back his head and laughed evilly.

"Take off your clothes, you cunt," he said offensively. "If what you're wearing even counts as clothes!"

"You sexist idiot!" I yelled. "Who would have thought that you would turn out to be the sexist rapist jerk while Draco would be the perfect gentleman?"

"Now you're thinking like someone needing a lobotomy!" laughed Ron Raper in an evil voice. "Couldn't you see the signs were there all along? Didn't you ever notice how Draco stayed loyal to Pansy even though she was a slut while I cheated on Hermione with that stupid slut Lavender? But now I don't want Hermione anymore. I don't know what I ever saw in that stupid nerd bitch anyway."

Ron Raper abusively pushed me onto his desk thing! Then he ripped off my front cloth sexistly, exposing my most intimate womanly stuff. I screamed scaredly! Ron Raper let his pants fall onto the floor and stepped out of them to come up and take the thing he wanted from me! I screamed again and kicked and punched him as he tried to get my most precious possession. Eventually, I had beaten him up with my Kung Fu Ninja Karate. He was so hurt that he started to cry babily!

Everyone heard Ron Raper's crying and started to pound on the door to get in and rape me sexistly! I grabbed Ron Raper's pants off the floor and put them on to cover my bare dignity just as the door flew open with the "Alohomora" spell thing. Lucius was pointing his tiny wand at me!

"Avada -" he began.

Before he could finish, I jumped through the glass wall and started to hurtle towards the ground. I knew I would die, but at least this way I wouldn't get raped!


	52. Someone dies and it might be Crystal

A/N: How come so many people are confused by Harry being a girl? For the last time, just read the first chapter and it'll explain everything. Also, I know some people think Gilderoy Lockhart (or, as Flecktrike spells it, "Lockheart") is an idiot, but I made him awesome because he was played by the hot guy who plays Edward Cullen now. That's why I keep saying he looks exactly like Robert Pattinson. Get it?

The wind flew my hair around me awesomely like with Pocahontas. Suddenly, I heard an epic cool sound making noise! I turned to see Sirius was flying towards me on his flying motorcycle thing.

"I'll save you, Crystal!" he said godfatherly. He went under me and I landed myself on the flying motorcycle with him exactly like how the Anakin caught the Obi-Wan in his flying car in that awesome movie "Attack Of The Clones". He landed us on the ground!

"Are you okay, Crystal?" he asked me in a very sexy voice. I couldn't help but feel a little attracted to him even though he was my godfather and that meant us being together would be wrong. I was sure he probably felt the same way about me through, so it was cool.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I explained epically. Then Lucius did the smoke thing and came down to us sexistly!

"How DARE you steal Ron Raper's property!" yelled Lucius evilly. He considered me Ron Raper's property because he was a sexist idiot!

"Step away from her, you sexist pig!" yelled an awesome blond voice! We all turned to see Draco mannishy step in front me. His aristocratic face looked so pale and the huge bulge in his purple leather pants was huge. He looked even sexier than normal!

"How could you betray me after I've spent your whole life abusing you, you ungrateful slave?" Lucius shouted outrageously.

"Like this!" said Draco awesomely. He and Lucius started to fight epically without wands. Suddenly, Draco's pink and orange tie-dye shirt fell off by accident. Draco looked so sexy and mannish as he muscularly fought shirtless. Lucius tried to punch Draco in his sexy nose, but Draco grabbed Lucius' long stick and hotly stuck it all the way up Lucius' butt.

"Ow!" said Lucius. He took out his wand to do a spell, but Draco was faster!

"Sectumsempra!" yelled Draco. The spell hit Lucius awesomely, but even with all the blood coming out of him, he continued to stagger forward to hurt poor Draco evilly!

"Avada Kedavra!" said Lucius sexistly, but Draco jumped away coolly. I felt like I was melting as I saw the sexy sweat going down Draco's sexy, sexy chest sexily! Then he sexily whipped the sweat out of his sexy blond hair and turned back at Lucius to fire at him a spell that made Lucius be on fire.

"GET THIS FIRE OFF ME!" screamed Lucius.

"NO!" laughed Draco epically. "Avada Kedavra!" he said, giving Lucius a taste of his own medicine.

A body hit the ground. From that moment on, Lucius Malfoy was permanently dead forever.

AN: Notice how I used the chapter title into leading you to think Crystal would die, but then she didn't. Pretty clever, huh? 


	53. The ship comes out of the Water Lake

an: sorry I haven't been able to updaate more, but I have a lot of homeowkr and my english teacher is mad at me for doing my book report on a "Twilight' fanfic. I bet she's a real slut with the sexist teachers who suck!

story: Finally, it was the day of my wedding and we were all standing next to the big lake thing with the awesome fish people I stupidly saved that sexist idiot Ron Raper from during my fourth year. I was wearing a brown triangle pirate hat, a purple pirate coat, a lovely yellow ball gown with unslutty cleavage, and olive green platform shoes. I also had underwear on. I looked exactly like Elizabeth Swann!

Everyone awesome was there with me wearing awesome pirate clothes. Draco was wearing a pirate band on his head with hair things coming down over his face and he had an awesome fake beard. He had on a white T-shit with a Han Solo vest and a big sword. He looked exactly like Jack Sparrow! Hagrid looked like Captain Blackbeard just by putting on pirate clothes because he already had a black beard! Hermione had also put on pirate clothes and she dyed her skin brown so that she looked exactly like Anamaria! Dumbledore was naked aside from a purple captain's hat with a white big feather and a hook over one of his hands. He was naked, but his beard was long enough to cover his golden spike. He looked exactly like Captain Hook after the crocodile ate all his clothes!

"Don't worry, Crystal," said Draco awesomely. "We'll sue that sexist idiot Ron Raper for trying to rape you sexistly. Then he'll go to Azkaban and with Lucius gone, that'll leave Wormtail in charge and he'll destroy the company by being stupid. I think this is the beginning of the end for that sexist ad agency Sexist Cooper Advertising."

"Yeah, IF they send him to Azkaban," I said bitterly, thinking of how many sexist people worked for the Ministry of Magic.

"Hey, I have good news!" said Sirius as he walked up to us. He was wearing a ripped gray T-shirt that showed off his sexy chest, an awesome old pirate coat and an old-fashioned belt thing with stuff all over him. He looked exactly like Bootstrap Bill!

"What?" I asked epically in my normal voice.

"That sexist idiot Gilderoy Lockhart died," said Sirius happily. "He was in the Astronomy Tower and he fell over the railing because he was stupid and then he died when he hit the ground thing because he fell from such a great height and he was going so fast. It turns out he's very stupid and sexist and he doesn't even look like Robert Pattinson after all!"

"I never liked that sexist idiot anyway!" I laughed. "Anyway, they're here!"

The Durmstrang ship rose amazingly out of the lake slowly. It looked awesome and the dragon flag of Bulgaria was on the main sail like before. They had put an awesome pirate flag on it and awesomely tore the sails a little so that it looked exactly like the Black Pearl! We all get on except for that slutty slut Lavender because she dressed like Elizabeth Swann and no one was allowed to copy me!

"Hello," said a very sexy voice. I gasped!

A boy was standing there looking so sexy I almost fainted! He was dressed like the Dread Pirate Roberts in black unitard! He looked exactly like Robert Pattinson! He was Viktor Krum! 


	54. The Wedding

The wedding thing started with Professor Snape, dressed like Davy Jones, playing pirate organ music. Everyone started to do stuff. My bridesmaids were Hermione, Luna, Ginny, and Sybil. The maid of honor was McGonagall because she was old. Sirius was the best man, of course.

Neville walked with the awesome ring Draco was giving me because he was the ring bearer. He tripped a lot because he was dumb, but we didn't mind because he didn't mean to be brain damaged. Fanny, that first year I saved from that sexist idiot Lucius Malfoy, was the flower girl. She ran out of flowers partway through and started to cry cutely because she didn't know what to do. We all went "Awwwww!" Viktor Krum came up to give me away because my dad was dead from Lord Voldie. I felt so happy to be holding Viktor's muscular hand as we walked up the thing because he was so sexy! He looked exactly like Robert Pattinson! Finally the talking part started.

"Arrrrr!" said naked Dumbledore pirately. "Draco, do you take ye sea wench t' be yer lawfully wedded wife?"

"Aye!" said Draco.

"Do ye promise t' love, honor, an' cherish th' lass, in sickness an' in health, fer richer or fer poorer, fer better or fer worse, fer as long as ye both shall live?" asked Dumbledore awesomely.

"Aye!" said Draco again, sounding very sexy.

"Crystal, do ye take ye swashbucklin' buccaneer t' be yer lawful wedded husband?" asked Dumbledore epically.

"Aye!" I said proudly.

"Do ye promise t' love, honor, cherish an' protect him, forsak'n all others an' hold'n only to him?" said Dumbledore in a Caribbean pirate accent.

"Aye!" I repeated as my eyes swelled up with emotional tears. This was the MOST wonderful moment of my entire life! I was finally marrying Draco and the wedding was just like I'd always imagined!

"Arrr!" said Dumbledore nakedly. He was naked, but his beard was long enough to cover his inappropriate wand. The beard was white. "I now pronounce ye husband an' wife. Ye may kiss me beauty!"

Draco kissed me. Then we opened our wedding presents. I got lots of awesome clothes, including a pink, red and orange striped poncho, a dark brown parasol, a pendant with orange and green diamonds, scarlet lingerie with olive green polka dots, yellow okobos, a "Twilight" tweed tube top, a red sweatervest with pink and green polka dots, and more! Draco got all things he likes: hamsters, honey, toothpaste, money, face paint, pliers, and bowling pins. He was so happy he did cartwheels and put that ugly slut Parvati on fire. She screamed sluttily and jumped off the ship and into the water, where she was immediately eaten by sharks.

Suddenly, a bad man flew towards the ship on the Firebolt broomstick of mine which he stole. He was sexist and he was dressed like a pirate, but it was that sexist idiot Will Turner. He had evil slicked-back red-hair and he was holding an unhealthy cigarette. He was ugly and sexist! He landed on the ship and looked up at all us girls sexistly. He was Ron Raper!


	55. A Sexist Idiot Dies

"Go AWAY!" I yelled because he was ruining my wedding just be being there.

"I've just bought Hogwarts!" said Ron Raper evilly. "That retarded idiot Ludo Bagman just sold it to me because he's retarded!"

"Two plus two is five," said Bagman retardedly because he was retarded.

"YOU IDIOT!" I yelled. I punched Bagman in the balls and he fell off the ship. The fish people immediately grabbed him and pulled him underwater and ate him in two seconds. I felt bad about doing that to him because he was retarded, but he still should have known better.

"I'll get the headmaster's office again!" said Ron Raper sexistly. "Then I'll turn the Great Hall thing into a strip club and all the common rooms into whore houses. Also I'll replace all the books in the library with books about rape!"

"THAT'S SEXIST!" I explained epically.

"I know!" he laughed in an evil voice. "But the contract lasts until I die!"

"Well, there's one way to fix that!" yelled Draco awesomely. "Avada Kedavra!" he said pointing his wand and looking incredibly handsome and sexy at the same time! Ron Raper screamed cowardly and jumped off the ship. Then he started to cry because the water made the fire on his unhealthy cigarette go out.

"That'll teach you to be so sexist!" I yelled down at him as I picked up my Firebolt which I had again because he left it on the ship when he jumped off of it sexistly.

Suddenly, the giant squid started to attack Ron Raper epically exactly like what happened in "Return to Neverland" to Captain Hook. We all laughed at him getting what he deserved!

"SMEE!" yelled Ron Raper as he tried to get away. Wormtail, dressed like Mr. Smee, started to row a wooden boat over to Ron Raper to save him!

"Avada Kedavra!" I said, using magic to kill off Wormtail so Ron Raper would learn his lesson. Wormtail died and the boat he was in sank.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Ron Raper scaredly as the giant squid pulled him underwater with it to eat him. Once he was gone, we heard a burp and Ron Raper's sexist cigarette floated up to the surface. We all cheered!

"That sexist idiot Ron Raper is gone for good!" said Draco handsomely and with that happy thought he kissed me perfectly!

The End

WHO WANTS SEQUEL?


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